211 Things A Bright Shinigami Can Do
by xFeedMePoisonedCandyx
Summary: New CH! Lesson 22: How To Get Back on the Social Ladder. The essential life-skills handbook for bright Shinigami of all ages, featuring all the subjects they didn't teach you at the Academy, but you wish they had. Reviews and ideas are very welcome.
1. A Little History

**211 Things A Bright Shinigami Can Do**

**Disclaimer** – I don't own Bleach, much to my great disappointment. I also don't own the _211 Things a Bright Girl/Boy Can Do,_ although I do own the girls version of the book. I read it recently, and it had to be the funniest 'how to' in history. Seriously. Buy it if you haven't already. It is fab and marv and also fab.

I have had this idea in my head for a while, but never quite got round to writing it. I have a few ideas in my head, but I need help – A LOT – if this thing is going to go the distance (i.e. 211 chapters.)

Yes, it's going to be a soul destroying chore. 211? I've never made it past 14… So please, help is much appreciated. Anyone has any ideas, let me know. Credit will be given – guarantees.

Right, if were doing this, let's get on with it.

* * *

A Little History, _or _How It All Began

Soul Society has its own version of urban legends. Some are absolute rubbish (for example, that the Squad Four captain likes to sneak into Squad Eleven in the dead of night and rough up the officers, to keep her busy – _Not True_). Some have a basis in fact (for example, Squad Eleven are terrified of Unohana because they hear she likes to beat them up – _True to a certain extent_).

But there are some that no-one really believes, but are actually true.

The Shinigami's Book of Wisdom – or _**211 Things a Bright Shinigami Can Do**_, as it has become known – is one of them.

It is said to lurk somewhere within the Seireitei library. Where? No-one knows. Except those who have picked it up by chance. It doesn't have a library ticket either. So there's no need to check it in or out.

Rumoured to have been started by Yamamoto-soutaichou himself, it is the equivalent of the Bible for all Shinigami. Originally, it contained just 100 chapters, but some bright spark had the initiative to add their own ideas to the mix. So far it's going strong at 211 chapters, and it's said that every captain and lieutenant who's ever passed through the place has added a little of their own wisdom to it. No doubt they gained their position by paying attention to the _brilliance_ within it's pages.

Not knowing where it is, of course, makes using it a little difficult. Once you get it, make sure the follow the Code of Conduct, clearly stated at the start –

Once you have the book, you may keep it for up to one year.

If you get transferred to another division, you must return the book.

If you get sent to the Squad Four infirmary to get healed, for whatever reason, the book must be returned.

You can't tell anyone about it. Not even if they ask you outright – '_have you got the book?_' No-one must know about it, bar you.

It is forbidden to add anything to any of the pages already there, especially doodles and graffiti. (_note – only one person has EVER broken this rule. See chapter 156 for the disfigurement, and a graphic description of What Happen Next_.)

This book is sacred. It is as old as Soul Society itself. It also stands as lasting evidence that Yamamoto did once have a sense of humour, and was once as ordinary a Shinigmai as everyone else. If you deface, befoul, damage, mar, disfigure, crease, rip, tear, shred, or in any other way desecrate these hallowed pages, the punishment will be dire. No one has ever run the risk of The Punishment – don't be the first!

Once your time with the book is up, you must replace it. _Don't even think_ about keeping it longer than allowed – they will know. Who are they? No one knows for certain, much less _how_ they know. But the book is apparently tracked. Don't be the one to break the rules that govern it's use, or you may find your self lying in a ditch with your trousers round your ankles, with no memory as to how you got there (further details can be found inside)

Don't forget, you selfish beast - before the book is returned, you must add a little of you own brilliance to it. It doesn't matter that your head is as empty as a hollow walnut (although it shouldn't be after reading this) – no taking without giving. You must also, with great care, change the number at the front of the book, so that it shows the new number of chapters contained. Feel free to add more than one, if you happen to be a smarty-pants. One chapter is quite enough if you have the intelligence of a chimp.

Best handwriting only, please. If your penmanship sometimes gets confused for the random scratchings of a baboon brandishing a stick, practise before hand.

Be proper. No slang or cussing. This is a useful book of knowledge, not something from a joke shop. Did Mark, Mathew, Luke or John ever swear when they wrote the Bible? That should give you an example of how to behave.

Finally, remember – use the information in this book wisely, but do not tell anyone about it. Even if you find you best friend has contributed, it is **Forbidden** to discuss the content of the pages with anyone. Remember; _they will know_.

So enjoy. This book has fallen, quite by chance, into your lap. Don't be tempted to wolf the whole thing in one go. Like a box of chocolates, it will only leave you feeling queasy and overwhelmed. Best to sample a couple of chapters at a time to enjoy it at it's best.

So get it home, don't let anyone see, and when you have a spare minute, get ready. This book will literally change your whole outlook on life…

* * *


	2. Make It Through a Senselessy Dull Lesson

**-1-**

How to Make it Through a Senselessly Dull Lesson (When You Are The Teacher and Caring About Your Students is Required)

--

There was a time, quite recently, when I had to take over a class of young Shinigami, as the teacher who should have been in control was selfishly ill. When I started the lesson I was supposed to be covering, I could understand why.

The material was so mind –crushingly, soul-killingly, brain-dissolvingly DULL I thought I would kill myself. I couldn't remember ever approving something quite so awful for a lesson. No wonder the teacher was 'sick'.

The class was, not surprisingly, uninspired, and who could blame them? _I _was uninspired, and I had set up the school in the first place.

So what did I do, face with thirty plus angsty, bored teenagers? I am ashamed to say I taught them that rubbish. It was only when the same thing happened the next day, and the next, that I realised it was not possible to continue doing this every day and still have a full class by the end. The ones that didn't die from boredom would be contemplating suicide (it really was that bad).

Following are some tried and tested techniques that I used to successfully get the class – and, admittedly, myself – through those dreaded hours. They are versatile methods; don't think of them as being confined to the mere classroom: have a bored division on your hands? A group of sulky teenagers? 12 supposedly mature captains who are squabbling like five year olds? The following are guaranteed to get their attention directed where you want it to be.

These techniques can be divided into two types; the _Cheerleader_ method, and the _Solving Problems with the Threat of Violence _method. It is recommended you try the Cheerleader first, unless you happen to have a bunch of hooligans (or captains) on you hands; in which case, proceed straight to option 2.

**The Cheerleader - **_Should be performed with a cheery smile and jolly voice. Not always suitable for moody teens, who will think you are trying to 'Be Cool'_.

Bribery: 'Next person to answer the question correctly is graduating today!'

Honesty: 'Look, neither of us wants to be here. I hate you just as much as you hate me, but for today, lets all try to get along, shall we?'

Sympathise: 'I know, dude, everyone's against me too.' 'Yeah, I agree, my parents are _totally_ ruining my life.' 'You hate everything? Me too! We're so in-synch!'

Distract them with objects pleasant to the eye: I had one pupil who responded very well when the diagrams use to illustrate the lesson were drawn on various parts of the female body.

Flattery: 'I love that freaky mask/ flowery pink haori/ eye patch you have on today. _So_ you!'

Praise them at the end: 'What a well behaved class we were. Well done us!'

If that fails to get them inspired, proceed to option 2:

**Solving Problems With the Threat of Violence - **_Should be accompanied by a calm, controlled voice and a pregnant stare at whoever you are trying to intimidate._

Snap a pencil in half, preferably theirs

Stroke their cheek ominously

Draw frightening images on the board, then say casually 'Oops! Just got lost in my own thoughts! I tend to draw whatever pops into my head!' and then giggle mischievously.

Slam your fist into the wall. Ignore the blood and continue as though nothing happened

Crack your knuckles ominously

Reduce a piece of furniture (or student, if you have no furniture) to a pile a dust. Orginality is encouraged here - how you do it is up to you. Be careful how often you use this one though - whilst killing of the entire class will admittedlysolve all your problems, you won't have anyone left to teach. About one table/ chair/ student a week will be sufficent.

* * *


	3. Climb a Tree at Speed Wearing Uniform

**-2-**

How To Climb a Tree At Speed When You Are Being Pursued, and Wearing Your Shinigami's Uniform

--

There was a time when playing pranks on senior members of the Seireitei was regarded as being the most daring thing one could do. Some of the tricks people played when I was there were so genius that they have survived the ages (one thinks of the 'super gluing the captain to his desk' scenario. Timeless)

But whilst pranksters in general were viewed as the heroes, the saviours of the mundane, there were those who were revered with an almost God-like status. I am proud to say I eventually became one of those fabled few; known as the People Who Played Pranks and Got Away With It.

Initially, whilst attempting to make a name for myself in the prankster world, I suffered quite a bit for my art. There was one time I remember particularly, during which I put a live bumblebee in a fortune cookie belonging to our division's lieutenant. I won't go into the fiddly details about how I got the thing in there (it required very thick gardening gloves, and a bottle of industrial strength vodka), because what is important is what happened next.

For reasons I still can't fathom, rather than cracking open the cookie like a normal person, getting scared by the bee and then reading the humorous note, signed by me, the man proceeded to stuff the whole cookie into his mouth. And bite down.

I suspect the swearing could be heard for miles. Needless to say, he wasn't amused. Having spat out the bee and cookie, he discovered the note – cleverly signed with my own name (possibly _not_ the best idea, looking back).

After being gamely warned by a friend that our lieutenant was after my blood, I decided that the best thing to do was hide. Rather unfortunately, I ran into him as I was searching for a good spot. I couldn't tell what he was saying, due to the fact his mouth was so swollen (how was I to know he was allergic to bee stings?) but it was obvious I was in trouble.

Getting to the point, in the process of escaping I climbed a tree for the first time in my life. In hindsight, I should have practised beforehand, but I wasn't expecting to be running for my life. Needless to say, I was caught, and '_got what I deserved'_ as he put it. Later pranks I played on him went much better, partly because I had my tree-climbing down to 11 seconds. Here's how to do it in a rush.

**Required:**

A tree. This method can be used on any tree, but it is best to use one with lots of branches to provide optimum cover.

A bottle of whisky.

**How to do it:**

Get a good run up. If you are being chased by a fat howling lieutenant, all the better. You will be running faster.

Next thing to sort out is the uniform. When refining my technique, I discovered it's best to just get rid of all lower body clothing. However, my next run in with the lieutenant proved that removing clothing whilst running is a bit of a job – have you _tried_ it? So after much experimenting I discovered it is relatively easily to tuck clothing in whilst running. It may slow you down a little, but as long as you're faster than the pursuer, you'll be fine.

When you are about 3 metres from the tree, jump. Your aim is to land with one foot on the truck of the tree, about half a metre up (higher if the branches are far above you). Your other foot should have landed on the ground behind you.

Using the foot on the ground, push off hard. Use the foot on the tree to create friction, propelling you upwards with more force (note – the first time I tried this, I broke my foot. It's probably best to practise with a friend)

Grab the branches nearest to you and haul yourself up, swinging up your feet to avoid being spotted.

Wait for 1 – 2 hours, longer if possible. It may be wise to take a newspaper or some other form of entertainment.

When you get down, have some of the whisky. You deserve it.

If you can do it fast enough, you can appear to have completely disappeared. The effect is somewhat ruined if you are spotted climbing the tree. That just gives the game away.

* * *

so, how is it? anyone have any ideas they'd like to go in the book? please leave me a review! i really need them XD

xxx


	4. Identify Your Teammates

A/N : I've decided to mix the chapters up, because I don't want to do 100 all Yamamoto. And I've thought of some good ones from other people. So this isn't Yamamoto, but I wont tell you who it is. I'll leave you to guess, and I'll let you guess the other ones as well. It'll be more fun that way XD

* * *

**-3-**

Identifying Your Teammates – A Beginners Guide to Who's-Who in Soul Society

--

When I first graduated from the academy, I got stuck straight into Squad Five. Apparently that's what they do with almost everyone. Anyway, it was a bit boring. But then I got transferred to Squad Eleven. Bit more interesting, because I then had to fight for my life almost every day, just during training sessions. But then I got moved _again_ to Squad Six. That was even less fun.

I haven't exactly enjoyed being shoved about like a stray cat. But… it has provided a valuable learning experience. I can find my way around three of the 13 divisions – that's not bad. Most people can't find their way around one.

It also became a bit of a favourite past time of mine to identify different people in the squads. There are some 'types' that crop up again and again. You can guarantee that there is at least one of each 'type' in whatever division you are in.

Here's a rough guide to some of these people, along with how to identify them, and tips for getting along. Figure out your teammates as soon as possible, and deploy them to your advantage. There are some types who do not mix at all well, and will subconsciously try and avoid each other. For a really interesting time, try and pit one or two types against each other, then stand back and admire the results.

_Note: Captains are a bit more difficult, as they can be divided into complex sub-categories. I would explain them as well, but it's late and I could do with a drink._

**The Eager Puppy - **These are so often the 'new kids on the block', the poor saps who are still desperate to please. Most people will be Eager Puppies at first, but turn into other types later on, depending on how they are treated at this early stage. Nurture them well.

_Identifying features:_ happy, eager-to-please smile, often with a stammer, tend to be young and uneducated in the hardships of life

_Most Likely to Say:_ 'Here, let me help you with that!'

_Pros:_ will do pretty much anything you ask them.

_Cons:_ can make you feel really guilty if you end up breaking their spirit with too much work

_Advice_: get them to do favours whenever possible, but don't forget to reward them once in a while

**The Narcissist** – Eager Puppies given too much praise can develop quickly into the Narcissist; self important and completely in love with themselves. It is important to remember, however, that some people are just born vain, like a certain fifth seat I once knew…

_Identifying features:_ well groomed, silky voice, aura of self importance surrounding them. Large heads.

_Most Likely to Say:_ 'Someone as beautiful as _moi_ would never be seen with someone like you, Captain. No offence.'

_Pros_: can be deployed to your advantage

_Cons:_ is so self obsessed they are unlikely to help you

_Advice_: flatter often, and hope they pay you back one day

**The Alcoholic – **again a progression of the Eager Puppy. If you're mean to them when they're young, it can lead to a whole host of problems later on. Of course, some people are just like that anyway.

_Identifying features: _strong smell of liquor whenever they pass, either cheery smile or gloomy expression, depending on what kind of drunk they are

_Most Likely to Say: _something weird, like; 'What are you doing here? I didn't know you'd come to Canada with me!' or something surly like; 'think you're tough? I could take you…'

_Pros_: is too drunk to notice what you are doing (handy)

_Cons_: can mistake other troublemakers for you

_Advice:_ always have an alibi

**The Workaholic** – some people, as they get promoted, seem to get this weird idea into their heads that the higher position you hold, the more work you must do (I don't agree with this, personally). This is obviously rubbish, but you can't tell people.

_Identifying features:_ conservative hairstyle, sensible shoes, doesn't mess with the uniform to make it look cool. Will probably be a higher seat than you, so be careful.

_Most Likely to Say:_ 'shouldn't you be at a desk?'

_Pros:_ errr……

_Cons:_ too many to list

_Advice:_ avoid

**The Joker** – there's always one. Someone who makes the division just that little bit more bearable. The Joker can come in varying levels of troublemaking-ness, depending on how strict your captain is.

_Identifying features:_ big grin, general happy-go-lucky attitude.

_Most Likely to Say:_ 'Guess what I've just done!'

_Pros:_ livens up your otherwise tedious day.

_Cons:_ no loyalty – if blaming you gets them off the hook, they'll do it.

_Advice:_ make sure there are no witnesses

**The Bully –** it's a dog-eat-dog world out there. The Bully knows this, and exploits it to his advantage. If you run into a Bullying type, make sure he knows who's boss (i.e. you)

_Identifying features:_ tattoos, scary hair, fierce eyebrows (sounds a bit like me…). Often travels in packs – you should too!

_Most Likely to Say:_ nothing, just grunts and punches you in the stomach (ouch!)

_Pros_: draws attention away from you

_Cons:_ will pay you back for it later

_Advice:_ spend time at the gym and make sure you can run fast

**The Psychopath** – this is the most dangerous type. Of course, the higher ranked they are, the worse it gets, as they get driven further to insanity by their own power. Not good.

_Identifying features_: mad glint in eye, often muscle-bound and covered in scars from previous scuffles. Shouts a lot. Bald (that last one's a lie. They're not always bald, but the first psycho I ever came across was, and it's obviously imprinted itself into my brain.)

_Most Likely to Say - or Rather, Scream:_ 'Let's go, bitch!!'

_Pros:_ keeps the captain busy. Unless of course, the Psychopath_ is_ the captain (has been known to happen)

_Cons:_ despite being a nutter, knows what he's doing when it comes to fighting.

_Advice:_ let yourself get beaten up. The longer you spend in Squad Four, the less time you'll be spending with him.

:) reviews? pleasssee x


	5. Suffocate a Man With Your Breasts

**-4-**

How to Suffocate a Man With Your Breasts

--

Men never seem to know quite when to quit do they? I don't wish to insult anyone reading this, but boys, you all have a one track mind. Don't bother to deny it. It's all 'breasts, breasts, legs, bum, breasts' with you. The girls know what I'm talking about.

In my time, I've been faced with a good deal of leering perverts, who seem to think that my face is somewhere below my neck. I will be the first to admit that I don't help myself, clothing-wise _(my so called 'friend' told me once if I had a sense of modesty, then I wouldn't attract so many lecherous bastards in the first place_), but why should that matter? As women, we fought long and hard for our rights, and as a result, we should get to wear revealing clothing if we want!

This is a little method I have developed over the years, that uses your best assets to their full advantage. What it is important to realise, is that you don't need to have the equivalent of a small child strapped to your chest for this to work – breasts of any size will do the job, as some men will no doubt say.

The aim is to show men how something that seems to be saying 'come hither' can actually be deployed as a dangerous weapon.

**How to do it:**

Practise on a friend first. Make sure it's a good friend; after all, she is about to become very well acquainted with… err, certain aspects of you.

Make sure that you are well balanced. You don't want to topple over halfway through.

For this to work, your chest needs to be level with his head (shorter girls may struggle a bit here. My advice: kick him in the groin and bring him to his knees)

Face him dead on. This will give him the impression that you are interested in his gross comments. How wrong he is.

Place your arms round his head, so that your elbows are bent. The insides of your elbows should be bent around his ears.

Now for the juicy bit (sorry). Bring his head sharply into your chest, but **MAKE SURE HIS MOUTH IS CLOSED FIRST. **Once closed, he won't be able to get it open again, but I can safely assure you that if left open, he is going to _bite_. And it hurts. Your whole technique will be ruined, and the teeth marks will leave you looking like some sort of shameless hussy.

Hold his head in between your breasts for a minimum of 23 seconds. This number is important – it is the time it takes for an average man to drop unconscious from lack of oxygen. You'll be able to tell as he will have stopped wriggling. Careful not to leave him too long though. You don't want a corpse on your hands.

Whilst suffocating, keep you head held high and hair back. Some men are nasty and will pull your hair in a bid to escape.

Remove your arms and let the body drop. Step back away from the pervert, go inside, have a nice long drink, and congratulate yourself on a job well done. He'll think twice before messing with _you_.

* * *


	6. How Not to Be Transferred

Credit for this one is going to Never.That.Simple for the idea. Sorry, by the way, I don't really like this character, but he was the only one I could make this fit with. Enjoy :)

* * *

**-5-**

How Not to Be Transferred to a Squad You Don't Want to Be In, Even When Your Captain is Sick to the Back Teeth of You and Can't Wait to Get Shot of You

--

There are people in life that you are not going to get on with. That is the sad reality: we can't like everyone, and we are not going to be liked by everyone. I have come to accept that, and I am perfectly happy with it.

What causes a problem, however, is when you and your captain don't get along so well. Then you're in trouble. You have to remember, they're the boss. You have to do what they say.

Take me and my captain for instance. To say we don't get on would be a slight understatement. In the past, I have been called an ogre, an incompetent buffoon, a grunting wildebeest, and a fat sack of dung, to name but a few. Some of my favourite threats that have come out of her mouth have been:

'I am going to slit your throat and shove your dismembered limbs down it if you don't start acting like a professional.'

'Stop eating AT ONCE! You have enough fat to get you through the winter as it is.'

'Is there a reason why your body odour is still poisoning my office?'

'I will kill you if you don't make my life smoother.'

As you can imagine, these constant wounding remarks are very difficult to cope with. No one really understands the deep psychological trauma I have suffered. But as you can see, my captain does not like me. I just wish I knew why…

You might be thinking 'how has he coped for so long? Why hasn't he moved?'

I will tell you. Despite the fact that my captain has threatened to get rid of me a number of times (437, at the last count), I have a brilliant little speech that ensures I stay where I am (why I want to stay here, even I am not sure. Possibly because its funny to watch her getting so worked up). Memorise these words. No matter how bad things get, if you say this, you can guarantee to stay where you are. Here it is:

**CAPTAIN, IF YOU GET RID OF, WHO ELSE IS GOING TO LET YOU ABUSE THEM TO THE SAME DEGREE THAT I DO?**

That's all it is. Genius, by anyone's standards.

* * *


	7. Tag Everyone With a Ridiculous Nickname

Because I am very caring, and I _aime_ you all so much, I decided to see whether or not these things actually work. They are not just for your entertainment, you know, they can be very useful in your everyday life.

For example, before I actually posted the 'suffocate a man in your breasts' one, I tried it out. On my boyfriend. It was his fault – we were watching Enchanted and he kept telling me how crap it was (he is very wrong), so in the end I just grabbed him to see whether or not it would work. He was still conscious, but he was so shocked that he was silent for the rest of the film. So there we go – tried and tested. Never let it be said I don't do anything for you guys.

I'll shut up now…

* * *

**-6-**

How to Tag Everyone with a Ridiculous Nickname, and Make It Stick

--

People in Soul Society are all funny looking. Everyone is weird. Except me and Ken-chan of course, because Ken-chan is the best there is out of all the captains.

There's Baldy and Feather-brows and Sixty-Nine-ness and Doodleface and the Scary Clown Man (_I don't like him. Ken-chan doesn't either. He wants to kill him dead lots. We call him SCM, or sometimes Ken-chan calls him 'That Bastard'. I'm not allowed to say that though_.)

And then there's Big Booby, and Blondie and Captain Bitch-Ninja (_I'm not supposed to say that either_)

And Byakushi and Shortypants and Pretty Backwards Braid Lady (_Ken-chan says I'm not allowed to say that **either**, and I must call her Unohana-taichou. I don't know why, 'cos it's not like I'm being mean…)_

Making up names for people is funny.

I asked Ken-chan what I should put in this book. He said that I was breaking the rules, 'cos apparently you're not supposed to talk about it with other people. So I said to him;

'Ken-chan, I thought you didn't care about rules an' stuff.'

So he said: 'I don't. But Yama-jii does. So don't tell anyone else.'

I said I didn't have any special information to put in here, 'cos other people have taken up all the good ones. He says that I must put in what I'm good at.

But I didn't really know what I am good at, so I went and sat on Baldy and asked him.

'Baldy, what am I best at?'

'Annoying me, probably.'

I thought that was mean. But Feather-brows says I am best at thinking up stupid nicknames. I think that is a very good and special talent to have. No-one else can do it like I can.

So here are all my favourite names for people who I like best, and why I have called them this:

Ken-chan is Ken-chan. Duh!

Featherbrows is Featherbrows, 'cos he looks like he has feathers in his eyebrows

Baldy is called Baldy 'cos he has no hair and his head is all shiny. He looks like a bowling ball.

Doodle face is that because he looks like someone has used a pen and gone 'BBBrrrraaaaRRRRWWWWWaaaarrrrrwwww!!' all over his forehead

SCM is spooky. No-one likes him. Ken-chan could beat him easy-peasy (_but he still scares me a little bit_)

There's that guy with 69 on his face. Ken-chan says that he is a pervert, and you shouldn't advertise what position you prefer on your face. I do not know what this means. No one will tell me…

Rangiku has got the biggest boobies **EVER!!** They are ever so big! She says she can suffocate a man in her boobies, but I think she is lying. I sometimes call Rangiku just Rangiku, because she is nice and gives me candies.

Then there is the captain who lives near us. He has white hair and is cross a lot. I can hear him shouting at Big Boobies sometimes. He is the only person who is as short as me in the whole of the Seireitei. This means that we are friends! We all call him Shortypants because it makes him even more cross and that is funny.

Then there's Byakushi. I don't know why we call him this though. But I like to do it, because sometimes it makes him smile a little bit. He doesn't smile too much anymore, which makes me sad. He gives me candies sometimes too.

Who else?

Errmmm...

I forget who the other people are. They are not as important. I only know the good ones.

Everyone says to me 'why do you call people such silly names, fuktaichou?'

I say: 'it's funny!'

I'm also good at drawing pictures. I'm going to write another one and draw some pictures to show you. Featherbrows says that my pictures made him 'practically pass out.'

That is how good they are.

* * *


	8. Get Two Captains to Have a Fight

**-7-**

How to Get Two Captains to Have a Fight

--

When I had just joined the Thirteen Court Squads, a friend of mine, who had graduated a year or so previously, was assigned to show me around for the first week or two. She quickly filled me in on all the important details: where the secret sake cupboards were in each division, who was sleeping with who, that sort of thing.

It was during these early days that I learned about The Betting Pool. My friend informed me of its origins; in a similar manner to this book, it was started many years ago and can only be accessed by people in the know. No doubt some people reading this are well aware of its purpose: I ask you, therefore, to bear with me.

The Betting Pool exists so that we can, well, _bet_ on events that we think are likely to happen. Unlike a small wager between friends, this is the real deal. There are dozens of people who sign up to it every week. Some of the bets are fairly ordinary – '_Who's going to be the next lieutenant to end up in Squad Four? 5:1 odds on Renji Abarai!_' – and are paid out weekly.

But some of them run on for months, even years, and subsequently have much bigger pay-outs.

This was one of them.

Having just joined a brand new squad, I was only an unranked officer and was earning a pretty pitiful wage packet, which quite frankly wasn't enough. So I decided that, with my new found knowledge of the Betting Pool, I would use it to cash in.

I sought my friend, herself very knowledgeable about gambling as she routinely put money on (and lost money on, I might add) '_Captain Kyouraku and Captain Ukitake get together this week_', and asked her to find out which bet was currently giving the most outlandish odds.

She came back with this:

'Captain Zaraki and Captain Kuchiki have a fight. Odds – 2,000,000 : 1'

I liked those odds. Or rather, I didn't as they were so far fetched. It seemed to me that they best way to do this and cash in, _big time_, would be to _force_ the two captains to have a fight, rather than stand by and die of old age just waiting for it to happen.

The way I saw it, Zaraki-taichou would be very easy to persuade to have a fight with anyone who was still breathing. My well-informed friend told me that Zaraki though Kuchiki was a girl and a spoilt rich-boy, and he was itching to show him who was boss.

I was faced with the much greater problem of Kuchiki-taichou. He is famous for being unemotional. (_Captain Kuchiki, if you ever read this, I am truly sorry for what I did next_)

So once again, I asked my friend for help:

'What would get Kuchiki-taichou really worked up?'

She did a bit of snooping about, and came back with an answer, that was quite frankly perfect.

This was a dangerous game I was playing: it would be very easy to get caught in the act and fired, arrested or killed. As a precaution, I planned my strategy like a military operation. Here follows:

**Operation Ker-ching! **

Phase 1:

Under an anonymous name, I placed a bet on the 'Kuchiki vs. Zaraki Fight'. I only put on 10 dollars. I didn't see the need for any more than that. I didn't want to be _too_ rich.

Phase 2: 

I then went to Squad Eleven – which in itself is a dangerous task for an outsider. It was a simple matter to convince Zaraki that should Byakuya come along shortly – as I assured him he would – he should accept the challenge the other captain offered. Naturally, Zaraki-taichou's interest was aroused, and he promised he would do just that. I thanked him and went on my way.

Phase 3:

I then slipped a note into Kuchiki-taichous desk (something I DO NOT recommend ever trying. I was literally taking my life into my hands should he have happened to come back into the office unexpectedly). The note read this:

_Kuchiki-taichou,_

_We have never met, you and I, but I am afraid something has come to light that has been troubling me greatly. I fear that certain… sordid affairs might be going on, unseen, beneath your very nose._

_Several nights ago, I was happened to be walking past Squad Six when I noticed your wife leaving the division. I said 'hello' and continued on my way – nothing unusual there. We both happened to be heading in the same direction, and although I am not at all acquainted with Hisana-san, I walked along with her and we talked a little. It was as we were passing Squad Eleven that the event I am referring to happened._

_Zaraki-taichou happened to be stood by the gate at the same time we walked past, and as he was stood there, he quite shamelessly eyed up your wife, and made several suggestive comments, that were so outrageous I cannot bring myself to write them down._

_I was mortified, as I believed your wife to be, until I dragged her away from the division. Indeed, far from being horrified at his lewd remarks, Hisana-san did not seem to mind them in the slightest. In fact, what she said was:_

'_Oh, Kenpachi always says things like that. Don't worry; I am quite used to it now! But don't tell Byakuya I said that.'_

_I am sorry to say that I have ignored your wife's request in that I have spoken to you about this. Far be it from be to say that your wife is having an affair with the Captain of Squad Eleven, but I felt I should at least bring this instance to your attention._

_I hope you will not judge your wife too harshly. Captain Zaraki is not the kind of man to take no for an answer. Perhaps she was just trying to protect you… I cannot say._

_Regards, a friend._

I do not look back on this message with pride. I had completely made it up, but I hoped that Kuchiki-taichou would be too furious to notice this. It was a shameless thing for me to do, but at the time I was desperate for the money.

The result was spectacular. I am to understand that Captain Kuchiki has never moved so fast, and the resulting battle could be seen for miles.

The next day, I was a very rich woman.

This has been more a confession than a life lesson: I can safely admit here and now, without fear of retribution, that I was the sole cause of that fight. Captain Kuchiki, your wife _did not_ have an affair with Captain Zaraki, although I gather that he has made allusions to it ever since. Rest assured, it was all made up.

And I have only placed one other bet since.

My captain often asks me why I always reject his blatant advances, when in his words '_I am obviously smitten with him_'. My answer to him is simple. The bet I have placed money on is this:

'The Squad Eight Captain and lieutenant get together before the end of the year. Odds – 1: 5000'

I have placed a bet of 20 dollars, and I intend to win.

* * *

this one is _loooooonnnnnggggg._ Im quite enjoying making people do things that they wouldn't normally do - its funny!

anymore ideas anyone? please r n' r!

_xxx_


	9. Ten Reasons Not to Streak

**-8-**

Ten Reasons Why Streaking is a Bad Idea – as Discovered on Ten Separate Occasions

--

**Reason No.1, January 14****th****: **_sub-zero temperatures_

The first time I ever got dared to streak, I just got dared. That was it. I wasn't in it for the money or anything like that. I wasn't drunk either, but everyone else was, so I figured; hey, what the hell!

Only problem was, my so-called 'mates' were so drunk, that by the time I had done my honorary lap around the division garden, they had all fallen asleep. All of them. I was only outside for a few freakin' minutes! But because they were all asleep, there was no one to let me in again. They didn't wake up for another _four and a half hours. _By the time they did and decided to let me back in, I was almost dead. I had to go to Squad Four for a lie down, and a massive cup of cocoa, and I don't think I've ever been the same in my… err… '_nether regions'_ since.

First, last and _only_ time, I said to myself…

**Reason No. 2, March 23****rd****:**_ perverts_

The second time I streaked was in March, some years later. I had turned down numerous dares in the time in between but seeing as it was March, it was a bit warmer. I also told my buddies that I would do it, as long as I could do it inside the division. I mean, it was the middle of the night. No-one was going to be there, except for us, right?

I was hurtling round the corner, when I ran into one of the prettiest guys I had ever seen. I say this, because he was. Unfortunately, I wasn't the only one staring. To this day I have never been able to get him to leave me alone. Him and his perverse comments…

**Reason No. 3, July 4****th****:** _fireworks_

It was American Independence Day. Any excuse for getting drunk right?

Turns out, those pretty sparks from the fireworks _hurt_.

Enough said.

**Reason No. 4, October 31****st**: _eyeliner pencils_

We thought it would be funny if, as a cool Halloween costume, we went as ourselves... _but naked!_ It seemed like a good idea at the time…

What I didn't realise until I woke up the next morning was that whilst being passed out in the nude, someone had drawn pumpkins all over my cheeks with an eyeliner pencil. And they weren't on my face either.

**Reason No. 5, December 25****th**: _because it's Christmas_

I've always felt a bit guilty about this one. After all, it is supposed to be a Holy day.

Jesus would never streak. Not even if it was his birthday.

**Reason No. 6, April 12****th****:** _acid!_

Time number six, me and a buddy got dared to strip off all our gear and then break into Squad Twelve. As you can tell, I still hadn't learnt my lesson.

It was relatively simple getting in (stand on bench, crawl throught open window, drop down inside). What was harder was getting out. We hadn't really thought that far ahead.

It ended up with me standing near the window, Ikkaku Maderame perched on my shoulders. I have quite literally seen everything now – remember, we were completely naked.

Anyway, because I was a bit drunk, and had a heavy naked guy balanced on my shoulders, I ended up falling over. Into a workbench with jars of Hydrocholric acid stood on.

_Ouccccchhhh!!_

**Reason No. 7, September 9****th****:** _photographs_

This one is just obvious. You don't want your escapades coming back to haunt you year in year out.

(But this didn't act as a deterrent for me)

**Reason No.8, May 1****st****:** _captains_

Nothing says 'demotion' like running head first into a group of captain, wearing nothing but a smile.

Luckily for me, my captain's blind. I think that's how I got away with it.

**Reason No.9, August 10th:**_ boyfriends_

Sometimes, being naked in a room with the very attractive lieutenant of Squad Ten, whilst you are both drunk and she is in the process of removing her clothes, can be very akward.

Especially if someone walks in on you.

Especially if he is your boyfriend.

I spent a week sleeping on the sofa as a result. Lucky for me, he knows about my tendency to streak whenever and wherever, as he happened to run into me once before (he was my reason number 2)

**Reason No. 10, November 19th**: _age_

There comes a point in every man's life, when you're standing outside as naked as the day you were born, during your birthday party, and you can't help but think; 'I'm getting too old for this.'

* * *

Thanks to eggrolljunkie99 for this one. It certainly is a piece of resistance

xxx


	10. How To Spot a Love Rat

**-9-**

How to Spot a Love Rat

--

Who can forget poor Miss Marianne Dashwood in '_Sense and Sensibility'_, who is seduced by the dashingly handsome Willoughby and gets completely taken in by his charms? After he rescues her from the midst of a thunderstorm, the ditzy lass is smitten, right up until it turns out Willoughby has _'left another girl, whose youth and innocence he has seduced, with child, in a situation of utmost distress_.' Then it all comes out that Willoughby is in actual fact an absolute rotter, and everyone steps up and shows solidarity to poor Marianne by blanking him for the rest of the book. Luckily, all's well that ends well, and Marianne ends up getting hitched to the lovely Colonel Brandon, instead of the smouldering adulterer Willoughby. Hurrah!

There is something about being a man and being an absolute pig that seems to occur naturally. Women, it has been said, use sex to get what they want whereas men are unable to do this because sex _is_ what they want. It is one of those observations in life that are universally acknowledged, like 'aspirins are small' and 'bananas are yellow'.

The problem comes when your man is unable to confine his wants and starts spreading himself around willy-nilly. If you suspect your man may be a rumpler of other girls' sheets, now is the time to act!

Some men are more likely to do the dirty on you, so have a go at this quick questionnaire to find out if you've got a bad'un on your hands. The more you answer 'yes' to, the more likely it is you've landed a love rat.

The Love-Rat Cheater Profile Screen

1.Does your man love action and thrills? Sky-diving, battle-loving men look for thrills whenever they can. Be warned, their dangerous sports can include Playing With Fire and Playing Away.

2.Is he thrusting, powerful, charismatic and ambitious (Gin Ichimaru syndrome)? That charismatic thrusting will not stop this side of your bedroom door.

3.Did his dad cheat? Boys learn how to treat us girls from their dads.

4.Do his chums cheat on their girls? Birds of a feather flock together. As do blokes.

5.Does he have a vigorous bed-history? As my friend Rangiku found out, you can't expect him to control that vigour simply because he's met you. Simple as.

6.Does he know lots of ladies? Contacts with members of the opposite sex can lead to romps faster that you can say _bastard._

7.Is he relaxed about the whole male infidelity thing, and has he been unfaithful to previous girlfriends? Well then, why should he reign himself in now? Cheaters remain cheaters; and a cheater never changes his spots. If you answered yes to this one look out!

8.Does he often come home covered in blonde hairs and lipstick, with pants that don't belong to him or you in his pockets? You may be entitled to the faintest flickerings of doubt.

This hit-list was complied after eight out of nine boyfriends came home and it turned out they were unfaithful. The ninth was also a cheat, but he is excused from this list as he was sleeping with another man.

Since Boyfriend No. 9 I have sworn off dating for the time being. At the moment I prefer to channel my creative energy into healing others. The _'healing process_' also includes broken hearts. Any girls who come by Squad Four in need of a pick-me-up will find a freezer fully stocked with ice-cream.

Cheating scum? What you do with him now is up to you.

* * *

i orginally wrote this for hinamori momo, but the whole 'Charismatic thrusting' thing didn't fit somehow. i wanted it to be ironic, in that she can alledgedly spot a love rat at twenty paces but still got tricked by aizen. but it turned out to be a little creepy. i dont know why.

anyway please r&r, as always! im not going to be updating for a while now... got some exam revish to do. :( boo

xxx


	11. Beautify an UnBeautiful Office

**-10-**

How To Beautify An Un-Beautiful Working Environment

--

I don't know if you have ever been into Squad Eleven. If you have, then you will know that the description following does not do it justice. If not, then I will endeavour to explain it in the best way possible.

The place is, to put it frankly, a pig-sty. In fact, a pig is probably cleaner. The men are like a herd of escaped wildebeest, snorting and humping and glumping all over the place… to think someone as radiant as _me_ has end up amongst them.

They don't know they're born.

Anyhow, I would like to tell a story about the time I mentioned the general pig-sty-iness to our captain (who, by the way, is rather like a ferocious old lion, if we are continuing with the 'African Safari' theme. And his vice captain is one of those annoying little monkeys that jabbers on and on and on and… anyway).

I, being the sensitive soul that I am, had grown rather tired of being forced to acclimatise to such vile working conditions.

'No creature as beautiful as myself should be forced to spend another day in such squalor!' I said.

'Eh?' was all the reply I got (not that I expected much better, mind you).

I am a diamond in the rough, I though to myself. A peacock in a chicken coop. A rose in a nettle patch.

I said that to him; 'I am a diamond in the rough!' I said.

'Huh?' was all I got.

Charming.

'Captain, I realise this is difficult to comprehend, but I have to do something about the conditions I am forced to work in. I can't stand it any longer. The men do not understand the term 'deodorant', Ikkaku hasn't showered in _four_ days, and there's something living in the top drawer of your desk that I think has escaped from the experimental department in Squad Twelve.'

At this point he gingerly opened his desk, peered inside and promptly slammed it shut again.

'The hell is that?' he grunted in alarm.

'I don't know, but I suggest we keep the drawer shut and wait for it to die,' I replied primly, 'I call him Pierre.'

He mouthed the word '_Pierre_' with a confused look.

'Anyway, taichou, please do not try to change the subject. This division looks like the third circle of Hell. I'm thinking of complaining to my union rep.'

'I didn't know we had a union.'

'We don't,' I admitted 'but if starting one will get this place cleaned up then by God I will do it!'

He scratched his head, causing the bells in his hair to chime. Clearly he was blown away by my devastating threat.

'Whadya mean 'the third circle of Hell? What's that?'

I rolled my eyes (attractively, of course).

'Where the gluttonous pigs end up. They are forced to lie in a mix of dirt and black snow, representing the disgusting way the spent their lives, slavering over food. Don't you know anything, taichou?'

'Che. It's not that bad.'

At that point the desk gave an ominous rattle and something snarled from the top drawer. To hammer the point home, our small and smelly vice captain strode in holding something not-so-recently deceased and announced that she was making a nest for it out of our captain's haori until it was 'bettered'.

He just looked at me. I smiled because I knew I had won.

The next day I was given a nice chunk of the budget to clean up the place as I saw fit. I had never been so happy in my entire life.

Here is what I did. Follow these instructions if you wish to end up with a working environment as beautiful as ours was.

_(Note: I say **was**. The spruced-up version of our division lasted about two days. But the beauty of it will live forever in my memories.) _

_--_

Get together a team of crack cleaners. You may also know them as your friends, or 'chumps'.

Direct them to areas that need cleaning. They will naturally grumble and complain, most likely saying things like 'you said we were going to the pub!' and other such rubbish. Just flutter your eyelashes.

Your captain will appear at this point, annoyed by the noise and the smell of Mr. Muscles Lemon Fresh, which he will probably not have experienced before. Either get him to help or tell him to go away.

The place is now 'Your Friends' Clean'. Inspect it and tell them to do it again. After all, you have high standards.

Time for a glass of champagne. Cleaning is hard work after all.

Once the place is properly clean, time for the fun part. Use those pretty flip charts that you get from the hard-wear store to select an appropriate colour scheme.

Send two people to buy the paint – one with muscles and one who can use money effectively. You may only need to send one idiot but in my experience, muscles and brains are rarely to be found in the same pot.

In the mean time, use diagrams to explain to your friends exactly where the furniture needs to be arranged. Once they've moved it (probably accompanied by much grunting and swearing) ask them to move it back. Repeat until it loses its comedy value (could take some time).

Have another glass of champagne.

Hand out paintbrushes, and instruct them to get cracking. In the meantime, flip through magazines looking for ornaments.

Go out and buy something pretty to liven the place up.

When you come back, finish off the champagne. Instruct your friends to get out as the sweaty, paint-splattered look does nothing for the nice clean barracks. Best get out as well if you're ugly.

* * *

_Check it out! Updation! Sorry it's been so long, but, ya know, GCSEs call and all that. Anyway, I'm starting A Levels soon, so well have to see as far as updates go._


	12. Possible Ways to Reach Bankai

_Er, hi. Look, I know were not supposed to 'defoul the sacred book blah blah blah', but this was an accident. I had to make a list ASAP, and just grabbed the nearest thing I could find. And remember, we can't discuss the book!! So no one can come after me, right? Cheers! _

_K.U. _:)

-11-

Possible Ways to Reach Bankai (?)

--

**No. 1:** Do it the standard way, like everyone else.

_Pros:_ nothing can go wrong. In theory. Unless of course, I'm not cut out to have bankai ever and therefore will be wasting fourteen years of my life for no good reason.

_Cons:_ takes too long. I'll practically be senile by then. And Yoruichi did it in like… err… well, she did it in less than fourteen years. So I have to beat her.

Oh, and everyone gets their bankai that way. _Yawn_.

Right, scrap that.

--

**No. 2****:** ask Yoruichi.

Hahahahahaha. Ha. Ha. Haaahaaa.

No.

--

**No. 3:** bribery?

_Pros:_ ingenious, to say the least.

_Cons:_ do not know if it's possible to bribe a zanpakutou. (_N.B. – must look into this later_)

--

**No. 4:** blackmail

_Pros:_ fun

_Cons:_ how do you blackmail a part of yourself, when it like, knows everything about you? Oh the stories she could tell. If I annoyed her.

Which I won't.

(I love you)

--

**No. 5: **ask nicely

_Pros:_ shows true harmony between zanpakutou and wielder

_Cons:_ do not have this 'true harmony' with zanpakutou. Therefore is unlikely to work.

--

**No. 6:** invent new and ingenious way of _forcing_ bankai

_Pros:_ sounds like the sort of thing I would do. Me being a genius and all.

Would show Yoruichi that I'm smarter, and end the age old argument of whether boys are better than girls (they are).

_Cons:_ no ideas. But watch this space.

As you can see, I'm one of these 'all or nothing' people. It's like the bus. You wait for ages and then three come along at once. That really annoys me. So I'm sorry. Especially if you are a loyal chum. I swear that i will try and update a bit more regularly from now on.

I atcually quite like this one though, even though its short. Someone left me the idea in a review, and I've completely forgotten who it was. I'm sorry, and you will be credited in my next update I promise!

xoxo


	13. How To Keep a Straight Face

HEY! Oh my Lord, sooo long since I updated! Feel free to hate me... :)

ALso, I have had an amazing idea. It was given to me by a reviewer, atcually, but I can't remember who it was (gomen-nasai). Anyway; if anyone is interested, please **FEEL FREE TO WRITE YOUR OWN CHAPTER AND SEND IT TO ME!** How cool is that? lets make this the first multi-author fic! It will be so cool, and after all, the book is written by multiple people!!

So if you fancy that, let me know. In the meantime I'll try to update a bit more. Sorry.

Oh, and guess who this is... :)

* * *

**-12-**

How to Keep a Straight Face

_or_

How to Keep a Calm and Composed Façade, Even When Someone is Being Insanely Annoying and You Just **_Want to Scream Until Your Lungs EXPLODE__!!_**

--

There are certain times in one's life, when one feels as though it would be impolite to laugh at another's misfortune. Say, hypothetically, your lieutenant had just walked into your office with what looked like permanent marker scrawled all over his forehead. Then suppose he told you that this was not, in fact, the work of some rouge, pen-wielding child who was on the loose, but his own idea. And it was permanent.

And he thought it looked good.

As Hamlet said; to laugh or not to laugh? That is the question.

Unfortunately the answer is no, you must not laugh. It is not becoming. Especially if your lieutenant – despite his macho bravado – takes offence like a drunk pre-menstrual woman. So, my friends, resist the laughter with all your soul. This is, of course, easy to follow in practise, but slightly trickier when it comes to real life.

Therefore, I have composed a list of suitable 'anti-laughter' images, which you should focus upon should you ever find yourself in a similar situation. As follows:

Anti-Laughter Imagery

**Puppies in pain** - this will obviously not work if you are, I don't know, Mayuri Kurosutchi or someone.

**The Dalai Lama** – he never laughs. A shining example to us all.

**Contemplate how it is that Gin Ichimaru can navigate his way around Soul Society with his eyes shut** - this is a personal favourite of mine. It's just such a brain stretcher! I mean, it's bizarre…

**Kenpachi Zaraki catching you kissing his wife** – yes, I _know_ he doesn't have a wife. But imagine he did, and imagine what he'd do if he caught you kissing her.

**How much did you spent last year, down to the last penny?** – guaranteed to have you wanting to kill yourself within 3 minutes; either with serve boredom, or when you realise that you spent way more than you can afford and are probably going to be evicted from your home quite soon.

**The Macarena – **you know; that ridiculous dance that is, as we speak, doing the rounds in all of Seireitei's parties? Interestingly, when you want to laugh, thinking of something very annoying seems to cancel it out. It follows this formula: **annoying** _plus_ **hilarious **_equals_ **neutral.** The Macarena is that annoyance. Even better, think of someone - who you formerly regarded as a friend - trying to force you to join in.

--

However, there may be another instance, when you find yourself in a situation where you are highly irritated. Perhaps - hypothetically, of course – your astonishingly dim lieutenant is now beginning to wonder whether face tattoos are actually a good idea. Imagine he asks for your opinion.

For the rest of the day.

Gargh, just the _thought_ is enough to make me… No. _Calm_. Sorry.

Anyway, once again, showing said irritation isn't proper. So therefore, use the simple formula of annoyance vs. humour to combat the effect of any irritation in your presence.

Anti-Annoyance Imagery

**Your zanpaktou** – the calming presence of one's inner world is often very useful. Unless of course, your zanpaktou is highly irritating herself, and keeps on insisting that the reason you are annoyed is because you have a unrequited crush on your lieutenant. Even though you don't. Definitely not.

**Baby ducks** – there's just something about them

**Lava lamps** – see 'baby ducks'

**The Squad Two lieutenant running** – normally, the man would just serve to make me even more frustrated. But picture him running, and not only will you feel very self righteous, but you may find yourself completed hypnotised by his jiggling.

**Someone you love** – unless they annoy you. Then don't think of them. Especially if they are currently annoying you: then you wouldn't be thinking of anything else, just them. Not that I have been, or will ever be, in such a circumstance.

* * *


	14. Mr X Presents Safari With the Eleventh

* * *

**-13-**

On Safari – Taking on the Predators (and Surviving!)

--

**Note to Readers:** for my own personal safety, I shall be writing this nugget of information under a pseudonym. That is because it would not be good for my identity to get out: despite the regulations set out at the start of the handbook, you can never be too careful.

Just before I came up with the idea for this, I went to the human world and fell in love with David Attenborough (_not _literally). On getting back, having still not written anything for this book and nearing the deadline, I decided to follow his example and risk my life for the sake of entertainment. Yes, despite protests from every rational fibre in body, I deliberately sought out Squad Eleven.

Some of you might not think this is brave, but I – Mr. X, you shall know me as – am a member of Squad Four.

…

I paused just there, to allow you to gasp at my bravery.

Anyway, to illustrate the savagery of the Squad Eleveners, and in order to ensure that future members of my division will be able to survive, I have put together a little diary of my amazing ordeal.

And because I'm intelligent (!), this entire section you're about to read is my thoughts whilst on the run. I took along one of those little hand held recorders and wrote it up later. Ingenious, no?

I hope you like it!

--

**Mr. X presents…**

**Search for the Beasts – One Man's Journey Into Squad Eleven**

11.36 a.m.  
Ah, hello. Mr. X here. My current location is close to the entrance of the tenth division. I am walking down the streets of Seireitei, towards my destination. So far, no sightings. Over and out.

11.40 a.m.  
Continuing towards the division. I really- oh! Wait! Possible sightings. I must investigate further…

11.42 a.m.  
False alarm, friends. Unfortunately, this was not the creatures I had been aiming to spot, but two former members of the division, who have managed to go on and evolve into higher level beings. Namely, the lieutenants of Squad 6 and 7. Interesting, but not what I came for.

11.53 a.m.  
Hello, Thug-watchers. Still no signs, although I can sense that within the division things are heating up. I have hidden my self close to the training compound of the Eleventh, where I intend to remain until the very last moment. I can hear sounds of torture and screaming over the wall. Oh, listen! – did you hear that? A distinct '_Oh God, please no more!_' Who knows what's going on in there…

11.55 a.m.  
Ahhh… I have just overheard someone say that it is the lieutenant's lunchtime. That would explain the screams then…

12.08 p.m.  
Still no signs. I have done as much as I can to ensure that they identify me as a Squad Four member at once. Medical pack – check. Sword hidden to emphasise vulnerability – check. Perhaps I should also –

Wait. Wait.

We may be seeing movement close to the main compound.

12.09 p.m.  
Aha! If I'm not mistaken, it is the third and fifth seat! Yes, yes; I recognise the third by his bald head. He is without a doubt the baldest man in the universe. He's also – forgive my bluntness – completely nuts. In contrast, his companion is an impeccably well-groomed member of the species. I am now going to head over, in the most pathetic way I can manage. I want to enhance their natural aggressiveness by appearing as feeble as I can.

12.10 p.m.  
I am walking towards them. The bald one is putting on an impressive display of strength; waving his sword and grunting loudly. His companion looks fairly bored.

12.11 p.m.  
I have been spotted! By the well-groomed one. The fifth has turned towards his comrade and spoken and nodded in my direction. No doubt to inform him of my presence. The Eleventh are very much pack animals.

12.12 p.m.  
The bald one is shouting something at me. His interest has been piqued. His friend is also looking in my direction. What is it El Baldo is saying? Oh, charming – he says; _'Hey, nancy-boy, you pretty brave hanging round here! Careful, you might run into a real Shinigami by accident!'_

Philistine.

I shall now attempt to antagonise him further. Wish me luck…

'_Hey Ikkaku, you know your boyfriend there? Did he ditch you 'cos you're bald? Or was it just to do with your general ugliness?'_

12.13 p.m.  
Here I go! They have given chase! In case they catch me and all that survives is this tape, I would like Whitney Houston's '_I Will Always Love You'_ to be played at my funeral.

12.14 p.m.  
I'm rounding the corner. They are still in pursuit!

12.22 p.m.  
Phew. Hello, gentle readers. Well, I am still alive, as you see. Things got a bit hairy at one stage, though. I'm currently in the sewer – despite what you might think, it is the safest place for me at the moment. They almost caught me as I headed into the Tenth. I felt Ikkaku's hands on the back of my head! Luckily, managed to shake him off, and he subsequently crashed into Yumichika. Thank God!

1.30 p.m.  
Have been in sewer for over an hour now. And am getting bored. I've moved in the direction of the fourth, so I will have less distance to cover above ground.

I have no doubt they are still looking for me. Waiting to strike.

2.15 p.m.  
Have decided to venture above ground. I'm at a manhole cover. I'm peering out. No sign of them…

2.17 p.m.  
Back in sewer. Someone appeared at the end of the street. A Squad Elevener? Who knows… I don't think they saw me, but I will wait a few minutes to be on the safe side.

2.28 p.m.  
I'm out in the open, and running. No sign of them, but because Yumichika is with him, there is every chance the two of them have done the smart thing and are currently waiting outside the Fourth.

2.34 p.m.  
I'm nearly there, I can smell safety! I –

2.35 p.m.  
Shit! The Eleveners are waiting for me! And they bought friends. I recognise them – the lieutenants of Squad 6, 7 and 9.

I will have to find some other way in – before they find me!

2.57 p.m.  
I'm in! Managed to climb in through over a wall without being spotted. I can see the idiots through the window. Heehee, they can wait all they want, I won't be coming in! Success!

Mr. X: out.

* * *

Gah, I just found a hair in my shop-bought sandwich! Gross!!

Reviews, yeah?

:)


	15. Famous Last Words

**

* * *

**

-14-

Famous Last Words – A Collection of The Gotei Thirteen's Most Memorable Quotes

----

Seireitei is a place of honour and dignity. We only accept the best and the brightest. At least, that's what it says on the tin. But over the years, I've heard some astonishingly dim remarks, from various people all over place. It doesn't matter what rank they are: Captain, Lietentant, whatever – there are just some people who come out with timeless quotes again and again. One of the advantages of being completely invisible to pretty much everyone, is that you can overhear some of the most hilarious conversations.

This isn't really a page of advice. It's just a collection of little one-liners I heard en passé, that I hope will make you laugh. Enjoy.

C. Sabisuke

_----_

'_I'm looking forward to being in Squad Six; I reckon Kuchiki'll like me, 'cos I'm friends with his sister. I'll have a well easy time!' _– Abarai Renji

'_Dya think men don't like me because I have such big boobs?'  
_'_Mmm, maybe. Do men like massive boobs?' _– Matsumoto Rangiku and Hinamori Momo

'_If I wanted to, I could go into work naked and no-one would notice! I mean, my captain's blind, so I can just walk around the office in my underwear.' _–Hisagi Shuuei

'_I think I've got a pretty good chance of getting with my lieutenant, Jyuu-chan._' – Kyoraku Shunsui

'_Are worms baby snakes?'_ – Kira Izuru

'_You're bisexual?! Ohmigod! Isn't that were you're like, half man, half woman?_' – Madarame Ikkaku to Abarai Renji

'_A giraffe isn't tall. It's just got a long neck.' –_ Tetsuzaemon Iba

'_How would two guys do it? I mean, they've both got the same parts… it just don't make no sense.'_ – Zaraki Kenpachi

'_What? I thought Chappy the rabbit was real!_' - Kuchiki Rukia

'_Ken-chan told me that orgy is a flavour of pie! I want orgy please!'_ – Kusajishi Yachiru

'_I'm hoping my new captain will be taller than me. I hate short guys…'_ – Matsumoto Rangiku, shortly before the appointment of Hitsugaya-taichou

'_Don't be thick, Kira; no-one can break into Seireitei._' – Renji, two days before the ryoka invasion

'_No, Yumichika told us that if we painted this room, he'll pay for all the drinks tonight. Of course we're not doing it for free! How dumb do you think we are?'_ –Shuuei

'_Romance, what is that? Some kind of disease?'_ – Mayuri Kurosutchi

'_I think that Zaraki-taichou's got a crush on Kuchiki.'_ –Ikkaku to Iba, with Zaraki stood right behind them

'_Really, dear boy, is you have this '_Romance'_ bug, I insist you let me look at it! Get back here!'_ – Kurosutchi

'_Stay away from Rangiku, Yachiru. She'll fill your head with images of boys, and I promise you, you won't be going near one of those so long as there's strength in me left to fight!'_ – Zaraki

'_Nah Yumichika's straight. He's so blatantly gay, that he's actually straight. You get me?'_ – Ise Nanao

'_I just hope Squad Eleven act sensibly today._' - Unohana Retsu

'_I don't care. Just as long as I don't get another idiot for a lieutenant, I'll die happy._' – Kuchiki Byakuya, shortly before asking Renji to be his lieutenant

'_Shut up about me being short! I'm so sick of it! All I ever hear is: you're short, he's so short, short short short!!! Just because I'm short…'_ – Hitsugaya Toushiro

'_Nah, Zaraki beats Kuchiki hands down.'  
_'_Way off, buddy. Kuchiki's up there – best in Soul Society, I reckon.'  
_'_Adornment-wise, Zaraki wins. Bells beat hair-clips any day.'  
_'_Kuchiki-taichou's is so clean though. And it smells __**incredible**__!'_ – Ikkaku and Renji, on their captain's hair

'_Ya can tell I'm not a hollow 'cos I'm not white. Even though I've got, like, silver hair. So I can understand if ya'll get me mixed up with one._' – Gin Ichimaru

'_Hey, I think that Captain Kyoraku and his lieutenant spent the night together last night! I walked past there office, and I heard him say something about how much he enjoyed her visit last night. Then I heard this massive thud, and it was quiet for ages…'_ - Hanatouro

'_Matsumoto kept going on about wanting to buy '_oral arrangements_' to decorate the office. I don't even wanna know what she's into._'  
'_I think she probably said '_floral arrangements'_, Shirou-chan._' – Toushiro and Jyyushirou

'_These sunglasses help me to see in the dark._' – Iba

'_Captain Kuchiki's got the face of an angel and the body of Satan._' – Rangiku

'_How was Nemu born? Don't tell me that Kurosutchi actually managed to coerce someone into sleeping with him?'_ - Kiyone

'_What we really need is someone with a sense of style… someone articulate, well-presented, and exceptionally beautiful. Oh, wait, I'm here!' _– Yumichika

'_I really think my captain's starting to like me.'_ – Omeada

* * *

BOO! Here's another chapter for y'all.

Once, again guess who it is! Oh, and Viva Barack Obama!

:)


	16. ARRGGHH! BEES!

**A.N: **Golly Gosh, this'll be interesting. I dunno, you get all excited that I've put a new chapter up, and then you find out that you're atcually going to be learning about bees.

Dont ask. Just read and let the brilliance of my prose take you to another plane of existence...

* * *

**-15-**

How to Escape a Vicious Swarm of Bees  
(Read: How to Escape a Vicious Kenpachi Zaraki)

_Written whilst hiding from the 'bees' in the library_

----

'_The common honeybee is a docile creature and will only attack when provoked, such as when it's home or young become threatened.' _

Something tells me that the guy who wrote the '_Comprehensive Guide to Insects of the Human World'_ was someone who had never actually met a bee. Bees, in my experience, are vicious little buggers who love nothing better than having a good old jab whenever they fancy it. Or is that wasps?

Or is that Kenpachi?

Currently, I'm sat here hidden in this library, trying to escape Death By Kenpachi. It's ridiculous. You save your friend, uncover a traitor, get recruited to help stop the world being taken over by a psycho, and this is what you get. Hiding behind a bookshelf and reading a book about the Lesser-Spotted slug, or whatever the hell it's called.

Anyway, I've just come across this book. Pretty funny what some of the other people have put in here. Like the one from the old man, about teaching classes. And Number 12… pretty sure that's Byakuya. Also pretty sure that he has a crush on Renji.

Not that I will be mentioning that to him.

I guess I'm not officially a Shinigami; does that mean I can't write anything in here? Well, I'm gonna do it anyway.

Here is the insect man's guide on how to escape those stripy little shits, along with my advice on how to escape that friggin' Zaraki-taichou.

Instructions

_Bees normally attack only when threatened. When they do, the bee releases a pheromone that rouses other bees which then go into defence mode._

Kenpachi will attack under absolutely any circumstances, often without warning or provocation. Hence the reason I'm stuck here in the library. When attacking, he releases a preposterous amount of spiritual pressure, which rouses other members of his division, who then pop up and start stabbing away merrily.

----

_The best place to head for is the inside of a building. Kick off unsuitable footwear and run as fast as you can. Your common-or-garden honeybee will probably give up chasing you after 150 feet (1 ½ netball courts) but African honeybees will go three times this far – 4 ½ netball courts._

The best place to head is the inside of a building such as a library, as it rumoured that Kenpachi is afraid of books. Throw slow moving friends in the way behind you to block his path. Unlike the bee, Zaraki will normally give up chasing you only once you are dead. Take sandwiches, just in you're on the run for a while.

----

_Bees will instinctively go for your head, so try to cover it up with something –_ I assume by this he means a blanket or jacket, and not honey or Ribena. Obviously.

Kenpachi will stab anywhere and anything. If you want to avoid damage to something you feel you might need in later life, best cover it with your hand. At least you've got two of those_._

_----_

_Running through bushes is a good way to slow down swarming bees, as is turning on a leaf blower, as bees find it harder to fly in strong winds – _call me old fashioned, but I find that one tends to be a bit pre-occupied with running and screaming during these bee escapades to do much else.

Running through crowds is a good way to slow him down. Attract the attention of as many people as possible, and pray someone comes to your rescue. But don't hold your breath.

----

_Important warning! Never jump into water because although bees are bad swimmers, they are excellent hoverers and will probably waiting for you when your come up for air._

Important Warning! Never hide behind another captain, because he will simply knock them out of they way and turn his attention to you.

----

_If (when) you do get stung, remove the sting by dragging your fingernail across it. Unlike wasps, bees commit suicide when they die, releasing a poison sac that continues its muscular pumping outside the body for up to 10 minutes._

If (when) you do get stabbed, get out of there as soon as possible and head to Squad Four. Much of Zaraki's fighting style could be described as suicidal, but unlike the bee, he doesn't die if he slices you in two. He lives to slash another day.

----

_Ice, anti-histamine pills and lotion all work well on getting rid of the sting. The pain should disappear after a couple of hours, although the swelling may not be visible until the next day._

Bandages and plaster-casts all work well to disguise the scarring. Pain is inevitable and long-lasting, depending on where you get hit (it will hurt a lot less if you lose a finger as opposed to a whole leg, for example). Bruises, cuts and general bleeding will last for sometime.

----

Also recommended is a glass of something strong and a sit down.

* * *

R-E-V-I-E-W. Whats that spell? You got it: REVIEW!

You can spell it, right? So go do it! Haha!


	17. General Quizzle Bizzle

**:)**

I'm a very happy girl. You know why? Because of _you._ I got some next reviews for the last chapter. So thanks awfully. Golly Gosh.

Also, I need to get a beta reader. Know one? Are one? Have one I can steal? Hit me up on PM. :). Oh, and enjoy this, cos it was poo to type up.

**

* * *

**

-16-

_How well do you know your Gotei Thirteen? Find out, with;_

**THE BIG FAT CAPTAIN QUIZ!**

And now, let's bring out your host.

He's stylish...

He's attractive…

He's loveable!

It can only be… Kyoraku Shusui!!

_(applause!)_

Oh, and Jyuu-chan as well.

_Hi._

The rules are simple, boys and girls. Grab yourselves a pen and paper, and answer each of the multiple choice questions. There are questions on the captains, lieutenants and general hoo-hah of the Seireitei. We know these are all true; because Jyyu-chan knows everything, so please don't be embarrassed if your own name crops up. Each correct answer gets one point. When you're done, simply leave your question paper in the back of the book, so that other people can observe how stupid – erm, I mean,_ smart_ you are. Anything else, Jyyu-chan?

_Please don't write on the book. That's what you use the piece of paper for. This is our entry, so do try not to mess it up. We've already used about a thousand pieces of paper because Shunsui's spelling is atrocious and he insisted on writing his own bits…_

It's not _that _bad, Jyyu-chan –

_You spelt 'loveable' with a 'u'. I had to write out your part beforehand so you could copy it._

Enough talk! Let's just do the business!

----

**THE BIG FAT CAPTAIN QUIZ**

General bizzle-quizzle!

_Shut up Shunsui. Right, everyone ready? Let's begin…_

Question 1  
Captain of the second division, Soi Fong, claims that her favourite movie is martial arts extravaganza _Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon_. Her actual favourite film is:

**A.** _Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon_. Duh.

**B.** _Four Weddings and a Funeral_

**C.** _The Aristocats_

**D.** She's lying and has never actually seen a movie

Question 2  
Mayuri Kurosutchi's real hair colour is what?

**A.** Blue, like his nails

**B.** Black, like his soul

**C.** Multiple colours, like his face

**D.** Non-existent, like Ikkaku Madarame's

Question 3  
Old Man Yamamoto once threw a desk during a lesson, aiming to attract the attention of a rowdy class (we were in it!) He's now the respectable captain-commander of the Gotei Thirteen, and his desk-hurling days are a thing of the past. BUT, does he know the name of his lieutenant? Do you? Does anyone? Have a go…

**A.** Frank Sinatra

**B.** Kenpachi Zaraki

**C.** Chōjirō Sasakibe

**D.** Chōkibe Sasajirō

Question 4  
Those crazy things that Byakuya wears on his head distinguish him as being:

**A.** a noble

**B.** powerful

**C.** the employer of a noble and powerful hairdresser

**D.** the winner of the 'Hot Hair' award 2007

Question 5  
Rangiku Matsumoto's nickname is the Goddess of What?

**A.** Boobs

**B.** Cleavage

**C.** That-Which-Women-Have-Going-On-Below-The-Neck

**D.** Sake

Question 6  
Jyyushiro's third seats are called Kiyone and Sentarou. If Kiyone were to say '_I am going to get my captain a tissue_', what would Sentarou's most likely response be?

**A.** 'Ooh, are you sure you'll be alright with that love?'

**B.** 'Bite this, pig feet! _I'll_ get the tissues!'

**C.** 'Golly gosh, Kiyone, you sure are being helpful today! Gee whizz, thanks!'

**D.** 'I've never before realized just how beautiful you are. Kiyone, will you make me the happiest man in the world?'

Question 7  
Renji Abarai's zanpaktou is called Zabimaru. He calls it by shouting… what?

**A.**_ Run like the wind,_ Zabimaru!

**B.**_ Howl_, Zabimaru!

**C.**_ Hit me baby one more time,_ Zabimaru!

**D.** _Scream,_ Zabimaru!

Question 8  
Gin Ichimaru is the captain of the third division (_and also of Creepy-Crazy-Town_). He once, very famously, superglued Captain Kaname Tousen of Squad Nine to his… what?

**A.** desk

**B.** chair behind the desk

**C.** special blind-man sunglasses

**D.** lieutenant

Question Nine  
Ise Nanao's love-interest is who?

**A.** me, Shunsui Kyoraku

**B.** Shunsui (in his dreams)

**C.** that book she's always lugging about

**D.** Mr. Darcy, the main character in that book she's always lugging around

Question Ten  
Yachiru Kusajishi is the head of the Shinigami Women's Association. She won this highly coveted position over several higher ranked women, by doing what?

**A.** Emotional Bribery - threatening to cry

**B.** Blackmail - threatening to set 'Ken-chan' on the voters

**C. **Political Persuasion – casually reminding everyone that she knows who it was who took a photo of Byakuya without his shirt on

**D.** Impressive Showmanship - doing a handstand

Question Eleven – Bonus Point!  
Jyyushirou and Shunsui became buddies in their youth, after an incident in which Shunsui did what to Jyyu-chan?

**A. **was dared to kiss him

**B.** was dared to pour ketchup over him and call him a 'Toucan'

**C.** fell out of a window and landed on him, causing the pair to spend two days side by side in the nurses room

**D.** saved his life by rescuing him from a burning building

----

That's the end of the quiz. Add up all your marks, and lets see how you did (answers are at the bottom of the page)

0 – 3 : Dismal. Your name is probably Ikkaku.

4 – 6 : Mmm. Could do better. Your name is probably Rangiku.

7 - 9 : Pretty good. Your name is probably Momo.

10 - 11 : Smarty-pants. Your name is probably Toushirou, or Nanao.

* * *

Phew, that was effort. It's really hard to think up different ways to do this. This was an absoloute beast to type as well. :(

In case anyone's genuinely interested, here are the answers. And before anyone get's snippy that I got one wrong, you know I made these all up. ITS NOT REAL!

1C  
2A  
3C  
4A  
5D  
6B  
7B  
8A  
9D  
10D  
11C


	18. Uncle Ichimaru Solves All Ya Problems

Ooooh. I'm writing this whilst listening to MGMT. It's like space cakes FOR YOUR EARS! ANNNNDDDD I'm really hyper!!! So this is a veeerrrry strange one. Haha.

Any-hooo, I've been reading through these, and actually realised that if you were a shinigami, you would not find a single piece of remotely useful info in here. So I hope no-one decided to follow ANY of this advice, because clearly it would _not_ be good for the health. Or _bonne pour la santé_, as the French say. So I've tried to make this one marginally more useful. But it hasn't worked.

Oh, FYI I've written this like it'd be spoken, to add to its oomph.

Oh, and FYI, that's the first time I've ever used the phrase FYI. And I LIKE IT!!!

* * *

**-17-**

Help! I've Only Gone n' Misplaced Ma Zanpaktou!

Uncle Ichimaru Solves All Your Problems

----

_Oh my…_

Wha'dya think it is, mmm, 'bout ya underlings? They seem ta think I'm some kinda magic fairy, that'll make all their nasty problems go away.

I say ta them, 'Guys. Come on. This is _me_ ya talkin' to.'

But they jus' don't listen.

Everyday I get it; '_taichou, I gone an' swallowed a bug!_', '_taichou, I've only gone 'n lost ma lunch!_', '_taichou, I'm thinkin' I mighta left ma zanpaktou in the bar last night!_'

So my advice, ta anyone who's got a similar situation goin' on, is this: lie. I don't have any advice to give 'em – much less stuff they'd wanna here.

How 'bout we use the bug thang as an example. So they've swallowed a lil beasty, eh? Reply, with a concerned look on ya face:

'_Oooh_, well that can't be good, now can it? Cos I've been hearing that we got some pretty nasty bugs flyin' bout at the moment… whadit look like?'

Let 'em describe it, then suddenly look alarmed; '_Whaaaa?!_ Black n red, ya say? Well, ya best spit it out mighty quick, 'cos that's the one everyone's so worried 'bout. Yeah, causes random muscle spasms and paralysis, blindness an' short-sightedness, agonisin' pain an' giddiness. Oh yeah, an' death. I hope yer only jokin', cos it's not good ta be eating them bugs, Kira-kun.'

Then amuse yaself watchin' him run around, all panicked cos he's thinkin' he's gonna die an agonisin' death. Ah, jus' thinkin' bout it's bringin' tears ta my eyes…

So if ya got problems, my friends, why not send 'em over ta Squad Three and I'll try ta solve 'em as best I can. I hope that ya'll find the examples below - taken from real-life problems that summa the people in the Seireitei are havin' - useful when y'all have some of yer own.

----

_Dear Uncle Ichimaru,  
__There's a boy in Soul Society who I really like. We have been very good friends for many years, but since he's been promoted to a higher rank than me, I find we don't speak much anymore. This makes me very sad, as I worry he will soon forget about me and fall instead for his very attractive subordinate. How can I get him to notice me again? And when he does, how do I let him know that I like him as more than a friend? – Worried, Squad 5_

Dear Worried-san,  
Well, well, aint this a right ol' pickle? I don't blame ya for bein' worried. Sounds like tha subordinate of his is a knock-out; a fact that's probably not been lost on him. After all, if he's a guy, then he's probably thinkin' bout it. Unless, of course, he's not that way inclinded. Ya know what I mean? Maybe, in fact, all yer pesterin' after him is what's made him run over n' start battin fer the other team – realisin' that women are too much effort. Don't blame yerself, although I'm sure he does.

----

_Dear Uncle Ichimaru,  
__I've been very troubled in my mind. All my friends say to me that it was a big mistake to get tattoos on my face, as when I'm old I'll regret it. Do you think that this is definetly the case, or do you think that tattoos are the sort of thing that look good regardless of age? – Tattooed and troubled, Squad 6_

Dear Tattoo-kun,  
I'm thinkin' that you could answer this question fer yerself. Look around ya. How many granpas can ya see with tattoos? I think that'll answer ya question. If I were you, I'd just go right on n' kill yaself now, that way ya wont have ta deal with the humiliation when yer older. Next!

----

_Dear Uncle Ichimaru,  
__I'm short and I hate it. Despite what everyone says to me, I get the feeling that other people look down on me – both figuratively and literally. I've now got an important position amongst the Gotei Thirteen, but I still fell like I'm being judged because of my height. It's not like I'm an adult either, so you'd think they'd cut me some slack. How can I get people to appreciate that what I have to say is of value? – Fed up, Squad 10. _

Dear Shortypants,  
Maybe the reason people aint lookin' up to you is 'cos yer still a baby. Ya mention in yer letter that ya aint even an adult; so whatcha doin' hangin' around in the Seireitei? My advice – go home, read some comics an' eat some peanut butter outta the jar. Oh, an' while yer at it, stop pokin' ya nose inta other people's business. Unless ya want it bitten off…

----

_Dear Uncle Ichimaru,  
__I have found that the offices and streets of the Seireitei are not very well adapted for those with disabilities. There are so many stairs and potential downfalls; how is a blind man supposed to stay safe in such an environment? To whom can I complain about this? – Short-sighted, Squad 9_

Dear Eyeballs-san,  
Why wouldya bother writin' to me? How were ya plannin' on readin' the reply, hmm? That said, I find that yer problem is a tough one, an' one that I can sympathise with. Gimme a call sometime, n' we can talk more about it. That is, if ya can find someone ta read this out to ya.

----

_Dear Uncle Ichimaru,  
__My horrible smelly friend and teammate refuses to take a shower any more than once every four days. To someone like me, this is unbearable. Help! – Beautifully Annoyed, Squad 11_

Dear Beautiful and Annoying,  
Hmmm, Squad 11, ya say? I think I mighta got a solution for ya. All ya need ta do is get a bucket fulla nice, icy cold water n' pour it over him. That'll work! In fact, it's such a good idea why not do it to yer captain as well?

----

_Dear Uncle Ichimaru,  
__My lieutenant keeps resisting my advances! I can't understand it; I can tell she wants me, but is unwilling to resist. I think she feels that after going so long without succumbing, she might as well keep going: push on through till dawn, as it were. I've tried everything to win her heart; flowers, chocolates, romantic poetry. I even once serenaded her from under the window. I've never had any problems of the female variety before, so what exactly am I doing wrong this time? – Head-over-heels, Squad 8_

Dear Desperate-san,  
You're not doin' anythin' wrong. Yer lieutenant's a lesbian. Get over it.

----

_Dear Uncle Ichimaru,  
__Me and some of my friends are planning on betraying Soul Society and taking over the world. Everything has been arranged, and is proceeding as planned. However, I am feeling slightly troubled as to what people will say about me behind my back when I'm gone. I can only imagine the names that I'll be called. Is there any way that I might prevent this rudeness that will no doubt ensue once my evil schemes have been revealed? – Power-hungry, Squad 5_

Dear Hungry-sama,  
I'm assumin' that in the process of betrayin' Soul Society y'all are gonna be leavin'? Well in that case, ya aint got too much ta worry 'bout, have ya, cos ya wont be here! If it's really botherin' ya though, why not just kill everyone who stands in yer way? That way they can't say nothin' bad, even if they wanted to. Oh, and good luck!

* * *

Heehee. I'm so weird. You guys love it though...

Gimme some sugar please, and review :)


	19. Uncle Ichimaru Aids With Yer Conundrums

Yay! It's me! Back from the land before time. That's right, my computer broke. It was horrible *sob!*

Anyway's, I'm here with a nice new chapter. Except… I have run out of ideas. It's that time again. But, since I loved writing the last chapter, and it got some next reviews, I thought that maybe I'd just continue it. So I did. And here you are reading it.

A special thank you goes to SeeminglyAngelic, who aside from leaving me lots of lovely reviews, also gave me the idea for one of these. So _arigatou godzaimasu_.

* * *

**-18-**

'_Are Cannelloni Hair-clips Ever a Good Look?'__  
_Uncle Ichimaru Returns to Aid Ya with Yer Pickles an' Conundrums

----

Dear, dear…

What's wrong with y'all? Why's everyone got all these problems a-goin' on? Ya know, I already wrote a lil nugget of info in which I specifically said that I dunno how to help people with their life's issues. I don't _care_ that yer cats just died, fifth seat, and might I point out just how stupid ya look with ya mascara all over yer cheeks…

But ya can't tell people, eh? Since I've written that, I'm now getting' hundreds o' letters in ma office, all askin' me for advice. An' weirdly, I'm thinkin' that some of 'em are bein' serious.

P'haps I should explain myself a lil better. I. Do Not. Know. How. To. Solve. Problems. That's it! I can't help ya! Stop sendin' me letters of woe, 'cos I'm tellin' ya, they'll be goin' straight in the bottom draw of ma desk, where I keep things that I couldn't give a crap about (Kira-kun's last three pay slips are in there. An' he still aint realised!)

Got it? I'm not gonna be helpin' ya! There goin' straight in the fire!

…

Well…

I might just be readin' some of 'em first. 'Cos some of you guys are messed up. An' it aint half funny… just have a look at some of these letters I'm gettin'.

**N.B:** 'cos I'm really kind an' all, I'm actually gonna answer some of yer problems here. After all, ol' Uncle Ichimaru doesn't want ya to feel as though he doesn't care. 'Cos I do. Honest. But I'm warnin' y'all; this is the last time! I better not be getting' anymore letter's with problems in, or I promise ya, I'll track ya down an' then you really _will_ have somethin' ter be worryin' about.

----

_Dear Uncle Ichimaru,  
I'm in the mood for a change of hairstyle. My hair is currently mid-legnth, black, and – if I do say so myself – in very good condition. I need something that will be appropriate for both fighting, and for the upper-class parties that I am forced to attend. What can you advise? – Anonymous, Squad 6_

Dear Hairy-kun,  
My, my, sounds like you've got some lovely hair as it is! Now I'm no hairdresser, but I will say that as long as ya keep using nice shampoo, you'll be fine. Oh, but please don't be doin' anythin' stupid. Like, fer example, don't be puttin' in silly clips that look like cannelloni pasta, or somethin' like that, 'cos people'll just laugh.

----

_Dear Uncle Ichimaru,  
Is it possible for a man to see where he's going without actually having his eyes open? You see, I have this friend, who I've known for a long time, who just walks around with his eyes shut. He never seems to bump into anything. How is this possible, and why would he do this? – Puzzled, Squad 10_

Dear Puzzled-san,  
Maybe you should quit questionin' it an' just let the poor guy be. Ya know, I'm sure he's not always askin' you… ooh, I dunno… why yer chest is so big. Or why you have no sense of modesty. Hypothetically, o' course. If ya really are such good friends with him, why not just let him do his thing, rather than pesterin' the poor guy every ten seconds about where he's goin', when all he wants to do is go an' get a glass o' milk, but you won't let him 'cos you just _have_ to know how he can see, even though you've already asked him like A MILLION TIMES!!!

Yeah. Just don't do it, 'kay?

----

_Dear Uncle Ichimaru,  
__What does the phrase 69 mean? Is it something rude? I have a tattoo with this number on my face, and people keep sniggering. I don't want to ask my friends, because I know they'll just laugh at me. I don't want to have my tattoo removed, because to me, that number has special significance. Please help, because it's getting me down. – Paranoid, Squad 9_

Dear Paranoid Pervy-san,  
69 is a very special number. Ya see, when a mummy an' daddy love each other very much, then they…

Forget it. Ask yer mother.

----

_Dear Uncle Ichimaru,  
__Is there a day care centre in Soul Society? If so, in the name of all that is sacred, PLEASE tell us where it is! We can't take it anymore! – The Squad Eleven Desperados_

Dear Suicidal Ones,  
I'm afraid we don't have a day care centre. Nor do we need one. After all, why would we wanna pay people ter look after the Lieutenant of Squad Eleven when we've got you poor saps, who have ta do it fer free?

----

_Dear Uncle Ichimaru,  
__What's it called when you find other girls attractive? – Confused, Squad 2_

Dear Lesbian-san,  
Hot. The word for when two girls like each other is _hot_. That's if it's a guy sayin' it. Other girl's might call it _gross_.

----

_Dear Uncle Ichimaru,  
__I am planning on committing patricide. What methods might you recommend? My father weights about 175 lbs, and is a relatively good fighter. – Scheming, Squad 12_

Dear Homicidal-chan,  
First of all, may I say, well done for makin' such a decision! The entire Seireitei supports ya, miss. Now, when I'm murderin' parents, I like to go for the classic 'Axe-Weildin'-Maniac' approach. It's simple an' effective. Head down to yer local library an' pick up a copy of that poem about the girl who killed her parents with an axe. Lizzy someone. It contains the delightful line 'she took her axe, an' gave her father forty whacks.' That should give ya some pointers. Here's hopin' ya succeed!

* * *

Review me, baby. Cos you know I love it. ^.^


	20. Keep it Creative With the Assassin's ABC

It's me. Your Lord and Master. I'm _baaaaccccckkkkkkk..._

God, I am strange. Sorry.

Just a couple of quick notes. Firstly, I love this one. Normally I dont say that but I really enjoyed writing it. Ha ha.

Second, I want to thank **Artifical Life Creator**, whose brainwave this whole chapter was. Thanks awfully. Maybe that's why I like it, cos it wasnt my idea...

Anyway, enjoy! :)

**

* * *

**

**-19-**

How to Get Creative - The Assassin's ABC

----

I was once told – pardon my dropping a name here – by Byakuya Kuchiki that whilst I made an excellent assassin, my methods lacked variation. Don't ask me how we got on to this topic, we just did. I believe the conversation went something like this:

'You can't criticise me for preferring certain flavours over others. I like my white chocolate and raspberry muffins. I have one everyday. I've told you this before – '

'That's fine, Kuchiki, but your possessive nature _vis-à-vis_ the raspberry muffin means that no-one else can have it. There's only one of each type in the muffin basket. I really don't think it's fair that you get your personal preference everyday. Other people like that one as well, but we never get to have it, because you always snaffle it before anyone else can get a look in.'

'The muffin basket comes to Squad Six first. It isn't my fault. I just choose the one I want and then pass it along. As do you, Soi Fong. And why does it even matter? All the muffins are equally pleasant.'

'If they're all equally pleasant, why don't you choose a different type of muffin for once, and let someone else have the raspberry one for a change?'

'…'

'…?'

'But the white chocolate and raspberry is the nicest.'

'That's why you can't have it everyday!'

'I have always had that one. It is my muffin flavour. I'm not having any of the others. I don't want them.'

'You've never even _tried_ them.'

'I don't want to.'

'You are getting very set in your ways, Byakuya.'

'Oh, hello, pot. Yes this is me, kettle. You're black, by the way.'

'What are you talking about? I'm not set in my ways!'

'Oh, really?'

'Oh, yeah,'

'Oh, _really_?'

'_Oh yeah_!'

'Then pray tell, when was the last time you killed someone in a manner that _didn't_ involve your Suzumebachi's Two-Strike technique?'

I didn't say anything. Because, annoyingly, it had been so long I couldn't remember.

He just raised his eyebrows and picked at his pilfered raspberry and white chocolate muffin.

I wanted to kill him right where he sat for daring to rub the muffin in my face, but I would have had to use Suzumebachi to do it and that would have just proved him right.

_Bastard._

'I'm just saying… I thought a true assassin liked to mix things up a bit?'

Knowing that he was right, but not wanting to admit that, I left the Squad Six office with my head held high and my dignity intact. Annoyingly, I did not leave with the coveted white chocolate and raspberry muffin.

The whole incident got me thinking, though. Am I getting set in my ways? Have I lost my creative flair? I often make colourful threats, such as having peoples intestines used to decorate their office. But I so rarely follow through with them anymore. It's quite sad really.

I became quite panicky, worrying that I had lost my artistic streak. I once stabbed a man in the _armpit_, just to shake things up. It had been a long time since I'd done anything like that…

Where did the old Soi Fong go?

So, in order to get myself back into the swing of things, I wrote myself this list. The Assassination ABC. Although it originally started as a list of inventive murder methods, in the end I did write it out alphabetically, for ease and for aesthetic reasons. Refer to it when you get tired of the everyday and boring '_Stab-Stab-Stab-Dead'_ formula.

----

The Assassin's ABC

**A** – Arsenic. Axe.

**B** – Burning. Bullets.

**C **– Chinese throwing knives. Cyanide.

**D **– Drowning. Decapitation.

**E** – Electrocution.

**F** – For good reasons. Like, perhaps they insist on standing right above you and eating Quavers, those really crumbly crisps that just get bits everywhere. Then you would have a good reason. Do you see?

**G** – Garrotte wire.

**H** – Heart ripped out and stamped on by someone who you thought was there for you, but, turns out, they couldn't give a damn.

**I** – Ice pick. Ironically. For instance, a fat man who spends his whole life eating burgers eats a salad and chokes to death on a lettuce leaf. That is ironic. And also a little bit funny.

**J** – Jabs to the nerve centre at the base of the neck, using thumb.

**K** – Knives. Katana.

**L** – Leaving behind someone who idolises you without even saying goodbye.

**M** – Mercifully quickly.

**N** – Neck snapped.

**O** – errmm… maybe… Death by Octopus? Death by Orchids? Death by Omeada? The last one is the most horrific, I find. But also the most unlikely. The only thing Omeada ever killed was a snail, and that was by accident.

**P** – Poetic justice. For example, perhaps a woman who wears the fur of endangered animals falls into the white tiger enclosure at the zoo and they help themselves to _her_ skin. Or perhaps someone who is always stuffing their fat face with gay abandon accidentally bites off their own hand in their haste and bleeds to death as a result. That is what I mean.

**Q** – Quietly.

**R **– Ruthlessly.

**S** – Suffocated. Strangled.

**T** – Traumatisingly. That's not even a word. And I suppose, it wouldn't really be that traumatising for the victim, because they'd be dead. But I can't think of anything…

**U** – Unpleasantly.

**V** – Very unpleasantly.

**W** – Without mercy.

**X **– eXtremely unpleasantly (yes, I know this does not begin with X, but you try finding something that does)

**Y** – YOUCH! As in; _YOUCH! That was painful! _

**Z** – Zanpaktou. Thank God it begins with Z, otherwise I'd be drawing a blank. Use only as a last resort, however. After all, creativity is what you're aiming for.

For the Advanced Student

A way to keep things even more interesting is to try mixing the letters up a bit. Let's say you have been assigned to get rid of someone called Renji. You could _Ruthlessly Electrocute_ them; followed by snapping his _Neck_ with a _Jab_. Then finish him off with an _Ice pick_. R-E-N-J-I. Easy, and creative!

Or, maybe someone took that raspberry last muffin, the one you've had your eye on for about 80 years, but never actually gotten to taste yet. You might _Mercifully_ but _Unpleasantly_ kill them, _For that good reason_. You would them use an _Ice Pick _to snap their _Neck_. See: M-U-F-F-I-N. Isn't it clever?

Perhaps I will let my creative juices flow the next time someone won't stop hogging the muffin basket.

* * *

Go for it. Two more reviews and I'll have 150. _Go on..._

_^.^_


	21. The Lieutenant Catching Guide

_Ooooh_, Barracuda!

I'm writing several things at once now. I don't mean literally at once; that would just be sily. But I'm working on a couple of other things as well as this baby. So we'll see how that badboy plays out.

This chapter is dedicated to anyone and everyone who's ever reviewed me. You guys are the Dennis to my Menace. You know who you are. :)

* * *

**-20-**

How to Force Your Lieutenant to Do the Paperwork (For Once)

----

The main problem that I have, is that my lieutenant, whilst being reasonably adept when it comes to the actual Hollow killing business and such, is completely and utterly incompetent when it comes to paperwork.

The irritating bit is; she can do the whole _thinking of words, writing words down in the correct order_ thing. But she just doesn't. It's the most frustrating thing in the world to know that someone – despite all their assurances and forged doctors notes – is physically capable of doing the work, but they just _won't_.

You can try everything: bribery, blackmail, pleading, threatening, being nice, getting aggressive. It just doesn't work.

You will know that you have a lieutenant such as this, when you have conversations similar to the following:

'So, how far have you got with the paperwork?'

'What paperwork?'

'The paperwork. Your paperwork. The paperwork I told you to do two hours ago. That paperwork.'

'Errmm… what was it about?'

'You tell me; you've done it. Haven't you?'

'I don't know. I haven't actually received this paperwork yet, sir.'

'I put it on your desk just after lunch. You were in the room. You saw me do it.'

'Did I?'

'Yes.'

'Are you sure?'

'Very.'

'Well, I haven't seen it.'

'You haven't seen it?'

'No.'

'You haven't seen the stack of forms that I left, right here, right on this desk, right in front of you, less than two hours ago?'

'Errr… no.'

'Then what's that under your desk?'

'Hmm? What's what, captain?'

'That? Under your desk?'

'I don't – _oh_! This! Well I – well, would you look at that! It's my paperwork! How did _that_ get there?'

'I wonder.'

'That was weird, wasn't it, taichou? How it just ended up under the desk? And I didn't even see it.'

'Mmm, yes, shocking.'

'Really was. No wonder I couldn't do my paperwork: I didn't have it!'

'Well, you have it now. It's there, see, right in front of you.'

'So it is, captain. So it is.'

'Yes. So how about you make a start.'

'Oh, but captain, it's much too hot today. I'll do it in the morning.'

----

_Ever had a conversation like that? Ever felt like ripping out your own eyeballs in frustration? Then you need this: the Lieutenant Catching Guide. It's the easy (ish) way to get the paperwork done_.

The Essential Lieutenant Catching Guide for Stressed Captains

----

Wake lieutenant up from wherever she fell asleep the night before.

Drone out groans and complaints of 'headaches _captaaaaiiin_' and escort to office.

Sit lieutenant down at desk. Place paperwork and pen in front of her. Deliver instructions. Leave.

Return ten minutes later. Close all curtains, remove all phones, magazines and other such distractions within reach. Re-iterate instructions.

Return twenty minutes later to empty office. Spare a second to glance at paperwork, on the off chance it has been done. If yes, go home and have a sleep. If no, proceed to the next step.

Retrieve lieutenant from division lodgings and take her back to the office. Threaten with pay cut if the paperwork is not done on your return.

Arrive back at the office to find lieutenant missing and three words on first form in the stack of paperwork.

Head off in search.

Drag lieutenant back from Squad 8 and shove into the office. Threaten with job loss if the paperwork is not at least half complete on the way back.

Return at lunch to find both lieutenant and paperwork missing.

Rescue paperwork from the Squad Eleven lieutenant, return it to office, and begin search for missing subordinate.

Wait in hiding for lieutenant to emerge from Squad Three offices.

Leap out from behind wall in order to scare into submission. Frog march back to office.

Threaten with death if paperwork is not completed.

Return after half an hour to listen to excuses about how the paperwork has gone 'missing'.

Miraculously find 'missing' paperwork hidden in the garbage can. Listen to exclamations about 'how did that get there?'

Tie lieutenant's left arm to seat.

Leave and listen outside the door for sounds of work beginning.

Upon hearing no noise after five minutes, march into room and demand to see how far lieutenant has progressed.

Discover lieutenant has bitten through ropes confining her to the desk and has escaped out of the window to freedom.

Contemplate pursuit.

Decide not to bother.

Go and take an aspirin and have a cup of tea.

_Or you could just save time and sit in the room with them, hitting them over the back of the head whenever they slow down. It's up to you._

Anyone want their own personal dedication? You could try reviewing this story, and see what happens when you do... :)

* * *


	22. Making Babies The NewFashioned Way

Hidey-ho guys!

I wanted to make this chapter Mayuri, but then it turned out to be really hard. I can't imagine him really joking about something like this… or anything at all, for that matter. We are _not_ going to love writing his chapter… *twitches nervously at thought*

I liked writing this. I found it fun. But whether or not it's fun to read is another story… You'll have to let me know (:

* * *

**-21-**

How to Make Babies: The New-Fashioned Way!

----

When our captain told us that he wanted to have a baby, we weren't really sure how to react. Naturally, our first instinct was to laugh hysterically, but that didn't seem a very sensible thing to do.

'Yes, a child might be just what I need…' he mused, scratching his head with that freaky nail of his.

We did not think that a baby was 'just what he needed'. A conscience – _that_ was what was needed. But naturally we didn't say this. We like living.

'I am going to make a baby,' he declared.

We immediately began searching for the names of plastic surgeons and surrogate mothers on the internet. Obviously, we figured, taichou wasn't planning on having a baby the old-fashioned way. Because that would just be crazy.

No, he wasn't planning on having a baby the old-fashioned way. When he said, 'make a baby', he literally meant _make_ a baby. As in, I will do it myself; mechanically, scientifically, woman-free.

We were quite relieved that there would be no actual procreating involved. The thought is horrifying.

And being a mad scientist, he actually did manage to make a baby, who is now a lovely girl called Nemu.

Now, we don't normally have many good things to say about our captain, but all in all, we thought that this was pretty neat. The man _made _a baby! Down in the lab, we all felt a foreign emotion that we had never before associated with Kurosutchi-taichou. It was respect.

In fact, we thought this was so cool that we had a look at the report on how he'd done it. We didn't understand very much. But what we did understand, and what we had seen with our own eyes, told us that Kurosutchi-taichou had managed to make a baby in just four hours nineteen minutes. Whatever you may think about the man, you have to admit; this was really nifty.

When this book ended up down in the Squad Twelve Research Facility, we had many arguments about what exactly we should put in it. Should we write about the time we accidentally slipped sodium penathol into Captain Kuchiki's afternoon tea? Or maybe we should talk about the time Ikkaku Madarame and Shuuei Hisagi locked themselves in the storage room naked? But in the end, it was no contest: we had to go for what we believe to be Kurosutchi's greatest moment.

So, if you ever fancied a fresh new twist on procreating, why not follow these simple instructions on how to make a new-fashioned baby? They are guaranteed to provide you with your own little bundle of joy!*

You will need:

- DNA – it's not generally available from the supermarket, but it does come in generous supply within your own body, so no need to panic if you can't find any in the pharmaceutical aisle.

-A big glass tank with some gloopy stuff in – doesn't matter what kind of gloop, as long as it resembles hair gel. It should preferably be clear or a greenish colour.

-Scalpel

-Microscope

-A collection of other complicated scientific equipment – e.g. a Bunsen burner, some test tubes, a pen, etc.

-A mad scientist to provide useful tips

-A newspaper, so you can do the crossword while you wait

-A team of friends, preferably ones with no morals, to help and to be the baby's godparents later on

-A cot to put the baby in when you've finished

_N.B. You will also want to have these instructions close to hand for easy reference_

Instructions

Get yourself a well-equipped science lab. Make sure the tables are nice and clean before you begin, and don't forget to wash your hands; otherwise the baby might get contaminated and end up with two heads or something.

Using a scalpel, slice open a cell – bit tricky, this – and extract some DNA. The mad scientist will probably be useful at this point, to give you some helpful hints

Put your DNA in a test tube. Or, if you're scarily unattractive, put someone else's DNA in a test tube. Remember, the baby's going to have a bit of you in it.

Now for the complicated part – _somehow_ get the DNA to become a fertilised egg (no, we have no idea how Kurosutchi did it either. To be honest we don't really want to know)

By whatever means, you will now have the beginnings of a baby in a test tube. It will look like a small clump if you stick it under the microscope.

Now presumably, you have to add something that makes the baby grow fast. Unfortunately, Kurosutchi won't tell us what this is, so you'll have to improvise. Try a little experimentation and see what you come up with. We recommend starting with common household ingredients, such as table salt or jam, and working your way up to scary-sounding chemical components such as potassium permanganate. Akon suggests that perhaps the secret ingredient is _love_, but we are ignoring him.

Put the test tube in a warm place – such as an airing cupboard – for ten to twelve minutes. Do the crossword while you wait.

The baby will probably not look any different if you examine it, _but_ – and this is the key point – that thing is about to expand rapidly. All us tech-boys got one hell of a shock when we were looking at a little blurry speck one second, and then twenty minutes later we had a full grown baby. Scary stuff, science.

Get the blob out of the test tube sharpish, and put it into the tank of gloop.

You need to turn on the Bunsen burner and place it under the tank. The gloop should start bubbling in a nice, viscous kind of way.

Simmer but DO NOT let it boil, or you will have yourself a horrible mess.

Put away the newspaper and invite your friends to come watch the baby grow. It looks just like a normal developing baby, only sped up. It's bizarre, but in a morbidly fascinating kind of way.

After a couple of hours, the baby should look like something you'd see in a science fiction movie. If it resembles that scene in the Matrix when he wakes up in the real world covered in gloop, you're doing fine. Basically, it should look like a baby suspended in jelly. If it doesn't, and it looks more like something you'd find under a rock on an obscure planet in Star Trek, then you've probably gone wrong somewhere.

Now for the gross part: after about two hours thirty minutes, you're going to need to stick your hands into the goo and hoick the baby out. Draw straws to see who gets the job. Recommended are shoulder-length rubber gloves and a nose-clip, because it doesn't half stink.

Clean it up a bit and then place the baby in the cot.

This is the best part: give the baby a nice name, like Riari or Phoebe or something. _Don't _call her Nemu. It's cruel.

Ta-da. One ready-made baby. And all in a fraction of the time and mess.

Or… you could make one the normal, old-fashioned way. Much more fun.

_**N.B.**__ We take no responsibility if you hurt yourself, others, or your new baby in trying to produce a child from these instructions. We were just lying. They don't really work. Unless your Kurosutchi-taichou, but he's not like the rest of us._

* * *

:) Ah, I'm thinking you should leave a review... if you want, that is. But you should. They make me happy.


	23. Get Back on the Social Ladder

Argh, hey guys. So do you all hate me? For not updating in about 27 years? I probably shouldn't be updating now: I'm supposed to be revising for exams. My snazzy revision timetable says I should be doing philosophy. But instead I'm here.

I haven't updated in ages because I've had writers block of the first water. But then my saviour came along in the form of **-Megumi-Kumosukai-**, who may possibly be some kind of angel. You, my friend, are awesome. Thank you for the idea, and I hope you like it.

* * *

**-22-**

How to Get Back Onto the Social Ladder after an Extended Absence

----

Have you ever been away on a longer-than-expected trip, only to find on your return that your friends have practically forgotten about you? They become so used to not inviting you to parties and on shopping trips, that even when you get back they just don't bother. It was like that when I returned from the human world. I was expecting there to be a red carpet, cake and some sort of 'My God We Missed You!' party organised. At the very least I was expecting presents. But no: I didn't even get one measly phone-call.

Those first few days were a very distressing and difficult time, particularly because I was used to being the one people needed around in order to up their own cool points. I mean, I am the Queen Bee! Without me the rest of the group just falls apart!

At first I thought my so-called 'friends' had ditched me. But then I realised that they had simply forgotten me. It was not the situation I was hoping for upon my return, I can tell you that.

But rather than get mad – which I think you'll agree I would have been justified in doing – I decided to go for a more peaceful approach, and win my friends back in such a way that they would never even realise I had been gone.

Now, it is important to remember that when such a ditching occurs, what you must not do – under any circumstances – is leap into the middle of the social scene and demand that your friends accept you back as their leader. Do that, and you will find yourself sitting on that bench at lunch time where the science geeks and other such social outcasts are banished to. You know the one I mean.

Instead, you must sneak back into the group like a stealthy leopard. No-one likes a hostile military takeover, but no-one minds a gentle, sneaky military coup. Do you see the difference? Ease yourself back into the group, and before you know it, your position as Queen Bee will have been restored.

In order to ensure that your return goes as smoothly as possible, follow these tips to make absolutely certain that you become as loved and admired as you once were.

So, one with the show, shall we?

**Step 1: Dish Out Enchanting Presents upon Your Return**

Nothing says, '_Yes, I've been away to exotic new lands but I thought constantly of you, my lovingly mundane friends, whilst I was gone'_ like a thoughtful gift. It should be something small, yet meaningful. Things to avoid are any sort of food or shower-related product. It will imply that people either eat too much or smell, and if you want these people to love you again, it's not wise to suggest either of those things. Something small but personal will really help get things moving again. It will show that you haven't forgotten about them, and therefore they better _not_ have forgotten about you. For example;

Me: 'Guys, as you know, I have been away in the human world for a while, and whilst I was there, I decided to bring each of you back a little something. For Yumichika, this lovely pocket hairbrush. Look, it has a mirror in the handle, so you will always be able to observe your radiance wherever you go!'

Yumichika: 'Oh how _fabulous_!'

Me: 'For Nanao, a copy of the real-world bestseller, Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.'

Nanao: 'Gosh, this looks interesting! How thoughtful, Rukia!'

Me: 'And for Kira, I got you this. It's a very popular self-help book: _Weathering the Storm – Becoming the Person You Always Wanted to Be, But Never Dared To._'

Kira: 'My God, Rukia! It's just what I've always wanted. Thank you so much!'

Me: 'That's quite alright, my loyal subje- _err_, I mean, friends.'

**Step 2: Casually Flaunt Your New Purchases in Front of Others**

Shinigami are like magpies: easily dazzled by the shiny glow of New Things. Make sure you acquire an interesting and wonder-inspiring item and proudly display it for the world to see. Good examples are things like Pokémon key-chains; T-shirts that say '_Yes We Can! Vote Obama'_ or '_Spice Girls: World Tour 2008'_; and any kind of real-world fashion magazine. Observe the following scenario:

Matsumoto: 'Wow, Rukia, great shoes!'

Me: 'Oh thanks, I got them in the real world.'

Matsumoto: 'You don't say! I've never seen any like that before…'

Me: 'Oh yeah, well, they're kind of new season stuff, so I only got them recently. They're called Ugg boots. Very popular with celebrities.'

Matsumoto: '_Oooh_, I'd love something like that. I haven't had a chance to go real-world shopping in ages.'

Me: 'You can borrow them sometime, if you want.'

Matsumoto: 'Really? Oh, thanks Rukia, you're the best!'

_**N.B:**__ do not let Matusmoto borrow your shoes. She has fat feet. And besides, you don't want anyone looking as cool as you!_

**Step 3: Show Off Your Flashy New Friends**

Let's be honest; if you came back from an extended vacation and hadn't made _any_ new friends while you were gone, you would look a little bit sad. People would think, '_well, why are we friends with her, if she can't actually make any when we're not around? She must be mooching off our coolness!' _And then they would ditch you faster than you can say 'Money-Grabbing-Bankers-Caused-The-Global-Financial-Crisis'. And you would deserve it.

For the love of God, when you go away, make sure you come back with at least _one _cool person to talk about. If you are actually tragic enough to have not found one, invent one. And if you can, bring them to meet your friends. Make sure they look good – if you made several new buddies, just take along the best looking.

Me: 'Everyone, this is Ichigo.'

Renji: 'We know who he is Rukia.'

Me: 'Ah, but you haven't been formally introduced.'

Ichigo: 'Yo.'

Girls (_in excited girlish whispers_): 'Oh my gosh, who is that guy?'; 'He's cute!'; 'Is he Rukia's new boyfriend or something?'

Guys (_in manly lowered voices_): 'That's the guy who broke into Soul Society! Practically single-handed!'; 'He kicked captain Kuchiki's _and_ Zaraki's asses!'; 'His hair makes him look like a gang member!'

Everyone: 'Ichigo! Rukia! You two are so cool!'

_**N.B:**__ beware with this one, in that you will probably have to share the adoration with whichever friend you happened to take along._

**Step 4: Dazzle Your Friends with Your New Knowledge**

What is the point of going on an excursion if you're not going to expand your mind whilst you're there? New and interesting bits of local culture can really up your cool points. For example, little details such as '_knowing what's happening in the world of television'_, '_knowing how to change the channel on the television'_, and '_knowing what a television is'_ can do wonders for your sense of mystique. Other people won't know what the hell you're talking about, but you can bet they'll want to! Drop little titbits casually into the conversation, like so;

Renji: 'Geez, Kuchiki-taichou's been makin' me work really hard recently.'

Me: 'I know, you'd think you were his PA or something– I'm surprised he doesn't send you out to get his Starbucks no-whip mocha lattes every morning.'

Everyone assembled: 'Mocha lattes?'; 'No whip?'; '_Starbucks_?'

Momo: 'What's that, Rukia?'

Me: 'Oh my _God_, they're these divine drinks from the real world. You have to wait in a queue for ages to get them, but it's _so _worth it. But personally,' _pause and look cool and knowledgeable about the mysterious and varied world of Starbucks beverages_, 'I prefer a caramel macchiato.'

Everyone assembled: '_Ooooh_!'; 'Golly that's amazing!'; Rukia, you're _so_ cool!'

----

And that's all there is to it. Now just sit back and bask in your own brilliance.

* * *

You wanna review? Go on, it'll make you feel good.

In other news, Ulquiorria's death made me cry. But not as much as the fact that he almost _touched _Orihime. Man, I don't like her.


End file.
